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Stop me if you've heard this one …

Sporting News, The, Dec 30, 2005 by Dave Kindred

In 2005 the actor Paul Newman, who's 80 years old and still driving racecars, said his wife, Joanne Woodward, doesn't buy jewelry and doesn't buy dresses. He said, "She buys insurance."

* In 2005 the English soccer star Vinnie Jones was immortalized in a statue that depicted him reaching back and squeezing an opponent's testicles. On this side of the pond, basketball star Vince Carter donated money to a school and commemorated the gift by erecting a statue of himself at the school.

* My favorite T-shirt of 2005 was worn by the Indian tennis bottle, Sania Mirza, 19 years old. The shirt's legend read, "I'm Cute? No s--."

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* Danica Patrick ran circles around men in 2005. Causing one old grump, Formula 1 boss Bernie Ecclestone, to hitch up his truss and oink, "Women should be all dressed in white like all the other domestic appliances."

* In his 2005 crusade to bring the NBA into the real world, commissioner David Stern helped raise the age minimum for players to 19, ordered players to dump the throwback jerseys as formalwear, kept an eye on game shorts that touched the kneecap, considered "silent nights" with no amped-up music allowed during play and told mercenary soldiers in camouflage, "Bring me Mark Cuban's head on a stick." (I made up that last part.)

* The sometimes-sportswriter Hunter Thompson shot dead and asked that his ashes be shot from a cannon at a memorial party. They were. It can't be said of many, but it can be said of the gonzo journalist that he went out with a bang-bang.

* Sometimes-sportscaster Lisa Guerrero appeared topless in Playboy. And sometimes-sportscaster Keith Olbermann imagined (on ESPN radio) this epitaph on her tombstone: "How do you like these big, plastic, umm, flowers?"

* Speaking of them, I'm reminded of the Vikings and their Love Boat. The best quote came from an exotic dancer flown in from Atlanta and paid $500. She told the Minneapolis Star Tribune that on the boat's open-air top deck she saw two people having intercourse, the woman's flowers uncovered even as, curiously, she wore mittens. "They were not in a secluded area," the dancer said. "That blew me away." As it would any innocent stripper.

* The Longest Yard, starring goofus Adam Sandler as a quarterback, earned more than $140 million while Cinderella Man, starring Oscar winner Russell Crowe as a heavyweight boxing champion, brought in $50 million. There's a message in those numbers. The message is, we're doomed.

* Jeff Gordon won Daytona again, Venus Williams won Wimbledon again, Tiger Woods won the Masters again, Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France again, the Patriots won the Super Bowl again, and Phil Jackson told Kobe Bryant, "Yep, me again."

* Suddenly, in the Year of the Steroid, those Viagra commercials featuring Rafael Palmeiro disappeared. So did Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa.

* Died in 2005: Hank Stram, Max Schmeling, Gene Mauch, Steve Belichick and Wellington Mara.

Came back to life: Joe Paterno, Tedy Bruschi, Ricky Williams and Steve Spurrier.

* Late in 2005, I wrote a note to Santa that said, "Listen, fat man, if you come down my chimney carrying that $24.95 Dick Vitale Alarm Clock that has 14 Dickie V screams or with that $8.95 Hank Williams Jr. bottle opener that sings "Are you ready for some football?" I'll meet you with my $25,000 Hunter Thompson cannon."

* It was easy to doubt Onterrio Smith and Michael Irvin. One said the Original Whizzinator in his baggage was his cousin's. The other said the pipe under his car seat was his drug-addict friend's. Still, maybe they were cool. All things are possible. Lisa Guerrero's flowers could be real. Adam Sandier may be Olivier's illegitimate son. Perhaps to shield her against the night air, the Viking embraced a lady who lost all her clothes but the mittens.

* You believe any of that, you may believe the story Indians bullpen coach Luis Isaac told Sports Illustrated: "An ant and an elephant marry. The first night of their honeymoon, the two make love, but the elephant has a heart attack and dies. The ant is devastated and says, 'Five minutes of passion, and now I have to spend the rest of my life digging a grave.'"

* Stars had big years in 2005: Reggie Bush, Tim Duncan, Tom Brady. But give me a guy no one heard of before his moment. Felix Vasquez is a catcher on a New York Housing Authority baseball team. Just before Christmas, three stories below the window of a burning apartment, Vasquez watched a mother drop her month-old baby boy out of the smoke.

He told CNN, "So I jumped and boom--grabbed the baby."

The mother was rescued by firefighters. The baby was unhurt.

Felix Vasquez, Sportsman of the Year.

DAVE KINDRED

dkindred@sportingnews.com

Stop me if you've heard this one …

Sporting News, The, Dec 30, 2005 by Dave Kindred

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