The five highly ineffective steps of hiring a coach

Listen up, class. Today's lesson is how not to hire a head coach in the NFL. It is a lesson a few owners should pay close attention to, based on the amateurish manner with which some of them went about this process. So please, no talking, rustling your stock certificates or playing with your silver spoons. This needs to be taken seriously.

Step No. 1: Mismanage your organization so thoroughly that no candidate with options would possibly consider working for your sorry rear end.

Muddle the lines of authority. Put one person in charge of personnel, then undercut him and put another person in charge. Never make it clear, to the public or the men in question, who is in charge. Develop a reputation for being a skinflint. Cut corners. Make sure you are understaffed in critical areas. Pay little attention to the needs of your employees. Destroy office and locker room morale. Arrogantly shirk off opportunities to explain yourself publicly.

Examples: Prime candidates weren't interested in working for the Eagles and Bears because of the reputations of their owners. Both teams gave too much power to their last head coaches, Ray Rhodes and Dave Wannstedt, then took it away. Both coaches were doomed to fail in part because of mistakes made by their bosses, and that sent a strong message to coaching candidates who were being considered by the teams this year.

Step No. 2: Go into the hiring process totally unprepared.

Don't decide to fire your head coach until the season is over, and then don't start your research until the next day. Assign an underling to do the dirty work. Interview candidates you are reasonably sure have no chance of being hired. Dawdle and diddle unnecessarily so that the best candidates take other jobs instead of waiting on you. Procrastinate to the point where, when your head coach finally is hired, the pool of available quality assistant coaches has become a puddle.

Examples: Bears president Michael McCaskey decided to fire Wannstedt when the season ended, then took off on a ski trip while dumping the research process into the lap of personnel boss Mark Hatley. Nearly one month later, McCaskey tried to hire Cardinals defensive coordinator Dave McGinnis. McCaskey, a former Harvard business professor, could have hired McGinnis the day Wannstedt was fired because he knew everything there was to know about McGinnis, who was the Bears' linebackers coach from 1986 to 1995. By the time the Bears finally fumbled through their options and were ready to name a coach, eight coaching vacancies had been filled and two of the Bears' most attractive finalists, Terry Donahue and Gunther Cunningham, had taken other positions. They were left with Dick Jauron, the Jaguars' defensive coordinator.

Compare this with the swiftness with which the Packers and Panthers went about filling their coaching vacancies. Packers general manager Ron Wolf, aware of the possibility that Mike Holmgren would leave, knew exactly who he wanted to hire before Holmgren even went on an interview. In fact, Wolf told Rhodes of his intention to hire him the day Holmgren joined the Seahawks. The Panthers got the first pick of all the coaches because they moved decisively to hire George Seifert.

Another organization (which shall go unnamed), aware it was probably going to fire its head coach after the season, formed a committee that began screening candidates in November. All the homework was done when hiring time came.

Step No. 3: Let your pride get in the way.

Be bullheaded about the fact that the candidate should recognize it's a privilege to work for your organization. He should want to do more than just be the head coach. Why, he should want to polish your oxfords and drive your kids to soccer practice. If he dares to express a desire to interview for another position, scratch him off your list even if you're convinced he's the best candidate.

Example: The Browns had Vikings offensive coordinator Brian Billick pegged as their man. Browns director of football operations Dwight Clark flew to Minneapolis as soon as the Vikings were eliminated from the playoffs to convince Billick to sign with the Browns. But Billick was scheduled to interview with the Ravens the next day, and he felt he owed it to himself to listen to what the Ravens had to say. When Billick refused to fly back to Cleveland with Clark, the Browns told Billick they no longer were interested. The next day the Browns put out a laughable press release saying they weren't pursuing Billick any longer because of "philosophical differences."

Step No. 4: Make the candidate feel inferior.

Try to take advantage of his great desire to be a head coach, and play on the fact that there are only 31 head-coaching jobs in the NFL. After all, he's lucky to even be sitting across your pool table-sized desk. If he has never been a head coach before, remind him of it. Try to con him in the negotiating process so he realizes what a shrewd cookie you are. Engender resentment and disrespect so that your relationship starts out poorly. Treat him as if he is a temporary, doomed to be fired in short order. Make sure he feels he isn't on equal footing with his competitors, that he's behind the eight ball from day one.