Resolution: no gritches in '94

Sporting News, The, Jan 3, 1994 by Dave Kindred

In 1993 Charles Barkley dated Madonna. He also took Godzilla to the hole and punched or didn't punch half of Phoenix. Then he said he'd retire and maybe run for governor of Alabama. It was a year in which Jose Canseco, once Madonna's hitting coach, had a baseball bounce off his head and over the fence for a home run. After a golf tournament at Medinah Country Club, Bob Verdi wrote, "The difference between Madonna and Medinah is that Medinah has a dress code."

In 1993 Steve Young completed a pass to himself. Andre Agassi completed several passes to Barbra Streisand.

A Texas town renamed itself Troy Aikman even before Troy Aikman became a $50-million quarterback. The Montana village of Ismay changed its name to Joe, after which all 22 residents, their children and their household pets suffered pulled hamstrings and were listed as questionable for next week.

By accident in the summer of '93, Vince Coleman hit Doc Gooden in the shoulder with a 9-iron. In the fall and on purpose, Isiah Thomas hit Bill Laimbeer on the skull with his fist.

The old boxer Tex Cobb said he tested positive for drugs only because he had run on the beach and "someone blew marijuana smoke in my face." Baseball umpire Terry Tata told police that a woman drugged him before taking $500 and two World Series rings. Bill Buckner sold his World Series ring because he wanted to forget the Mookie thing and would move to Oregon if that's what it took to get away from people reminding him he's a bum.

After losing 27 straight, Anthony Young won one. After trying a thousand times, Shaquille O'Neal broke two backboards. After promising it wouldn't happen again, the Buffalo Bills lost their third consecutive Super Bowl.

A Phillie fanatic threatened to kill Mitch Williams. A German man obsessed with Steffi Graf wanted to do her a favor, so he stabbed Monica Seles in the back. Jackie Sherrill accused a punter of using a football filled with helium. A loony-tune wearing a propeller flew onto the ring ropes during a heavyweight championship fight. A high school football coach in Illinois hoped a mock assassination of himself would fire up his team for the state playoffs. Instead, it got him fired and his team lost.

Everywhere you looked in 1993, you saw Michael Jordan. He won another NBA championship. He welshed on illegal gambling debts. He grieved over his murdered father. He hung it up in a way that made you think he'd be back. You had to look in odd places to see Magic Johnson, who took his act to little towns in little countries. Larry Johnson became an $84-million Grandmama.

Joe Gibbs retired. George Brett went out with a smile and Carlton Fisk left in a snit. Nolan Ryan did a noogie on Robin Ventura's haircut before blowing out his elbow. A.J. Foyt quit driving and Kevin McHale quit jumping. Bill Laimbeer came to dislike Bill Laimbeer so much that even he didn't want to be that guy another day.

What, I'm a nuclear scientist? So said Mike Tyson, explaining why he'll fight again after he checks out of the Crossbar Hotel. Riddick Bowe met a pope, a president and Evander Holyfield's right hand. Tommy Morrison beat Tim (Dough Boy) Tomashek, who said, "Jeepers, that was neat."

Baseball put Reggie Jackson in the Hall of Fame and put Schottzie the pooch in the doghouse next to Schottzie the owner. Golf told John Daly to go away and come back grown up. The NBA suspended Karl Malone's shoes for flashing their heel lights. Indiana sat Bob Knight down, and wouldn't it be neat if Knight coached Barkley a year?

Too many left us: Arthur Ashe, Heather Farr and Jim Valvano, Reggie Lewis, Davey Allison and Alan Kulwicki, Drazen Petrovic, Chris Street, Steve Olin and Tim Crews, gone too soon. Jeff Alm had a gun when he needed it the least. We won't soon forget Don Drysdale and Roy Campanella, Billy Conn, Bill Dickey, Charlie Gehringer, Henry Iba and Johnny Mize.

Mark Whiten hit four ho in a game. Rickey Henderson led off both ends of a doubleheader with a home run. In one inning, Carlos Baerga hit home runs from both sides. Ken Griffey Jr. homered in eight straight games. On Singles Night in Detroit, the Tigers got 15 hits, all singles. Dave Winfield reached 3,000 hits, Barry Bonds brought his heart to San Francisco and Paul Molitor wept for joy in Toronto.

Language suffered in 1993. When the Cincinnati Reds started so poorly that manager Tony Perez was fired, pitcher Jose Rijo said, "We've reached the highest level of embarrassivity." Rickey Henderson promised everyone, "I don't hold no gritches."

An Algerian ran a mile in 3:44.39, a Cuban high jumper cleared 8 feet, 1/2 inch, Ben Johnson sprinted into steroid oblivion and Chinese women broke records after drinking a potion of caterpillar fungus, river-turtle soup and aphrodisiacal worm juice.

Peeling off his trousers to keep them out of the mud, lan Baker-Finch hit a golf shot in his boxer shorts. Deion Sanders found his lucky green boxers with the dollar signs in time to shut down Jerry Rice.

In 1993 about 3,000 cows gave up their hides to make 22,000 NFL footballs, none of which Leon Lett held for long. Don Shula kicked Papa Bear's hind end and everybody kicked Dave Shula's. The University of Florida lost to both Bowden football coaches, the elder at Florida State and the younger at Auburn. So the pundit Hubert Mizell said, "Too bad Florida didn't play Notre Dame. They could have lost to the father, the son and the holy ghosts."