Mock five

Sporting News, The, Feb 19, 1996 by Dennis Tuttle

The Heckler seizes the opportunity like a full-court trap, having waited for the Swiss-precision moment when one of his favorite victims -- bald, burly, and on this night, very surly -- would be isolated and helpless.

The Suns' Charles Barkley, who is at the free-throw line early in the game against the Bullets, has taken a nanosecond too long to release his shot. The moment is here. A booming voice rifles through the lower bastille of USAir Arena.

"TWO ALIBEEF PATTIES! ...

"SPECIAL SAUCE, LETTUCE, CHEESE!! ...

"PICKLES, ONIONS ON A SESA-ME SEED BUN!!!"

Laughter ripples from the seats, to both benches and onto the court Barkley doesn't flinch and sinks the shot But the Suns' Wesley Person grows an ear-to-ear smile, and teammate Joe Meine turns admirably to acknowledge the single-edged razor of The Heckler's taunt "If it had been warmer tonight," chides lawyer Robin Ficker, the famous, if not infamous Heckler, "I'd have come in wearing a towel like he does in the McDonald's commercials."

Ficker, a fixture behind the visitor's bench at Bullets games since 1985 and a man clearly loved or hated by players, fans and a the NBA, arrives at each game with pomp and circumstance. He bounces down the aisle like a Super Ball on steroids, armed with a life-sized poster of Gheorghe Muresan, white posterboard and a gym bag that contains rubber chickens, biographies, boxing gloves, markers, a bugle, a catcher's mask and a mini megaphone.

He gets cheers, jeers and curious indifference all the way to his $90-per-game, front-row seat. And there's never any doubt The Heckler has arrived, because he wastes no time being the most obnoxious, most embarrassing fan in America.

Earlier, he warmed up by jumping as high as he could and stomping on the wood platform floor. Of course, he is wearing weighted boots. He stretches his lungs by yelling at Barkley in the huddle, "Hey, CHUCK! You're living proof that hair doesn't grow on a ROCK!"

His presence puts the Suns on the defensive and sends security guards into position, "My primary job is to watch him," security official Mike Porche says. "I go to the officials before each game and read them the gag rule (known as "The Ficker Rule") and let them know where I'm standing in case there's a problem."

Depending on the team, Ficker can be merciless -- but never rude or vulgar -- in his attacks. When the intensity of the game heats up, so does Ficker's verbal karate and the players' nerves. And he likes to pick on unsuspecting rookies, which endears him to veterans.

On this night, The Heckler is especially harsh on Suns rookie Chris Carr. At one point during a timeout, Ficker shouts across the bench, "Chris Carr, YOU sit down, NOW! If you don't sit down, I WILL sit you down." Carr stares down The Heckler and refuses. Ficker keeps yelling, "Sit down, Sit down." Finally, as play resumes, Carr has no choice but to concede. Later, in the final minutes of the game, The Heckler would get on Carr's nerves so bad that Kleine would have to go over to Carr, tap him on the chest and tell him to forget about it.

Ficker has been served with warnings seven times this season (a second offense results in an ejection). And he says two officials, Steve Javie and Jess Kersey, "spend more time worrying about me than watching the game."

But in the pantheon of great love/hate relationships, few can match The Heckler and Barkley. In his book, "Somebody's Got to Be Me," Barkley spends an entire chapter on The Heckler. Ficker claims Barkley secretly paid for him to fly to Phoenix for a playoff game a few years ago.

Barkley, cantankerous from a 15-day trip, is in no mood for The Heckler this day, rarely paying him attention. In the past Barkley has left Ficker notes on his seat. Ficker says Barkley has given him a game ball twice. Another time, Barkley ripped away The Heckler's posterboard and wrote on it, "My name is Robin. I'm retarded."

The Suns always bring out the best in The Heckler. And though Barkley is in a sour mood and replies only by lip-syncing compound adjective cuss words, The Heckler is not deterred. When Barkley takes a breather and sits at the end of the bench, The Heckler yells, "Guard that water cooler and don't let it score!" A while later, he spouts, "CHARLES BARKLEY! If YOU could fall IN LOVE with YOURSELF again, would YOU DO IP."

Three rows back and sitting to the right is actor Mark Curry of the TV show, "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper." Curry is laughing so hard he is slouched over. After a couple of children get his autograph, Curry sends them to The Heckler.

"I love him, man. He's incredible," Curry says.

But as the game wears on, the players tolerate The Heckler less. And when the Bullets commit a stupid turnover with a two-point lead and only 17 seconds to play, the Suns' bench erupts and Kleine turns around lightheartedly. "Go warm up the bus!" he says to Ficker. When the Suns pull away late in overtime, the players turn around and hold their throats.

The Heckler doesn't respond. He learned long ago to receive as well as give, and some opposing players know he's merely having fun. When the game ends, three of the Suns put their arms around each other and sing to The Heckler...