Relational aggression in children: The Ophelia Project makes a difference

Camping Magazine, March-April, 2003 by Carol Anne McKay

Asked to respond quickly, many of us would have trouble remembering what we had for dinner last Wednesday, what clothes we wore Monday, or what the weather was like three days ago. Asked to recount one incident from our childhood when a friend hurt our feelings, however, and we can describe the most minute detail -- from a raised eyebrow to the actual inflection in the person's voice. Despite the old adage about sticks and stones breaking our bones, it is actually the words that break our hearts and leave scars long beyond when our bones would have healed up quite nicely.

The Ophelia Project is dedicated to creating a culture that is emotionally, physically, and socially safe, where girls are respected and nurtured. Through awareness, education, and advocacy, we promote positive change in families, schools, and communities. By supporting a network of friends, mentors, and professionals, we encourage all children to become confident and healthy."

Surprisingly, relational aggression is a term that has only been used in the past decade to describe behavior that children have engaged in for generations. Relational aggression, or RA, encompasses behaviors that harm others by damaging, or threatening to damage, one's relationship with his or her peers. It includes spreading rumors, telling others not to play with a certain other child as a means of retaliation, and purposefully ignoring someone when angry. In each of these examples, social relationships are used as a vehicle for harming someone. RA is more common in girls than boys. Girls place a higher value on their friendships -- making this a more effective weapon for them. Boys can also be relationally aggressive, but they tend to use physical means of settling conflict more often.

Who Are at Risk?

Although the research is still in the relatively early stages, we do know certain facts about relational aggression. Children as young as preschool use relational aggression; it is not linked to socioeconomic status; and both the victims and aggressors are at risk for future problems. Children who are highly relationally aggressive feel lonely and depressed and tend to feel badly about themselves and their social situations. Children who are the frequent victims of relational aggression are more at risk for depression and a poor self-concept in the areas of social relationships and physical attractiveness. Both victims and aggressors are at greater risk for substance uses, lack of school connectedness, and maladaptive eating behaviors.

Indeed, the research is showing that relational aggression can be every bit as harmful as physical aggression to a child. This is a sobering thought when you consider the amount of energy and resources put into protecting children from physical harm. As we've become more aware of the effect stress has on one's physical health, one can only imagine the effect of high levels of stress and anxiety on a young developing mind and growing body.

The research has shown that RA is evident during the preschool years, appears to peak in middle school, and is prevalent among college students. Current research is being conducted to investigate RA during adulthood. RA exists in all settings in which young people interact -- most obviously in the school arena, but also in after school programs and in day and resident camps.

Girls and RA

Girls are more likely to use RA "within" their friendship groups, for example, turning the entire group against one individual, whereas boys tend to aggress outside their friendship groups. For a young girl, the sudden loss of someone once considered a best friend can be devastating. It changes her entire life and suddenly issues such as whom to sit with on the bus, where to have lunch, and how to find a partner for that next science project are overwhelming. Girls are also more likely to tell each other secrets, which, sadly, can later be used against them.

The advances in technology also increase the opportunities for relational aggression. Three-way calling is one way girls can torture each other with one girl taunting the other to say negative things about a classmate who is actually listening on the line. This, of course, only feeds the negativity and increases the animosity between the girls. The Internet can also be used when one child will pose as another and send disturbing messages. Although the impulse is for adults to downplay the importance of these actions, the impact on a young girl is huge. Usually, by the time a victim tells an adult about what is going on, the situation has escalated to a point the victim finds unbearable.

Some of the fallacies about relational aggression are that "all kids go through it; it's part of growing up; and there's nothing we can do about it anyway. Unless others intervene and teach different coping mechanisms, the aggressor is rarely motivated to change because the social power gained seems to reward this type of behavior. Also, children are terrified of being the next victim -- prompting even those who are disturbed by the process to go along with the aggressor or to turn a "blind eye" to what is happening around them. Some girls even admit to enjoying the drama of keeping a story or incident alive by continuing to retell it, so it may never really be over.