Divorce and camp: emotional and legal issues - treating campers of divorced or separated parents

Camping Magazine, Sept-Oct, 1996 by Susan Keiser

Campers whose parents have separated, divorced, or are in the process of separating, have specific emotional needs and behavioral patterns. Legal divorce issues may affect who has authority to enroll a camper or who is responsible for paying the bill. By seeking to understand the campers' emotions and behaviors, training staff to work effectively with these campers, and gaining additional information from parents, camp directors can provide a more positive camp experience for all.

Emotions, actions, and reactions

Young people whose parents have divorced or are in the process of separating go through a cycle of emotions. Often they feel angry towards the adult who "screwed up their lives" and complicated matters. They remain angry for years or follow those feelings with sadness and resignation before accepting the situation. Sometimes the sadness parallels feelings of guilt that they caused their parents to separate: "If only I had behaved better, Mom and Dad wouldn't have fought and they wouldn't be splitting up."

Sometimes campers dealing with the emotions of parental separation see themselves as different from campers whose intact families appear happier. Others may be unaware of their emotions and may act out, demonstrating that something is percolating beneath the surface. They may experience a profound sense of loss, mixed with a sense of confusion and insecurity.

Campers adjusting to a new home situation may express concern for both parents, even while enjoying camp. They may be preoccupied with what's happening at home and distracted from the day's routine. When they sense their parents are having a difficult time, the campers often feel responsible. They want to protect their parents and make them happy.

Staff tools

Despite the above emotions, actions, and reactions, campers can have a positive camp experience, especially when staff members are trained to meet their special needs. In addition to training, staff may need reassurance when campers are highly emotional or have confided troubling information.

Acknowledge and listen

When a camper appears upset or sad, for any reason, the first step is to acknowledge those feelings. Do not pretend the emotion or tears aren't there because to the camper they're important and very real.

Model responses that speak to the nature of emotions. For example:

"We all have feelings. When I'm hungry, you can't tell me I shouldn't be hungry; it won't stop me from being hungry. The same is true with anger. If you're angry, you're angry; if you're frustrated, you're frustrated. Sometimes it helps to tell someone else what you're feeling, and that's one reason we have grown-ups at camp. When you tell someone else about your feelings, the feelings sometimes go away."

Remind staff that even though they are not psychologists they can help all young people by being good listeners. Show them how to ask questions and offer support without judgment. They should not ask, "What do you think about your parents' getting a divorce?" Instead say, "Tell me what's going on between your parents." That way it's up to the camper whether and how much to confide in the staff about the divorce and to share feelings.

Staff should not give advice to campers; they do not know all of the circumstances. However, it sometimes helps if staff share what they would do in a similar situation.

Divert attention with activities

Alert staff to the times of day that are usually more difficult for these campers. Quiet time or unstructured time is difficult because when one's mind is free to wander it wanders to the most uncomfortable thing that needs resolution. These campers may procrastinate going to bed due to recurring problematic dreams. Mail call and visiting days can be stressful because a camper may wonder if a parent will write or visit or if either parent cares about what the camper is doing at camp.

Campers whose home situation is insecure may crave contact with parents even more so than homesick campers. While most camps have a policy of no phone calls, when the impetus comes from a camper struggling with this type of family turmoil, I encourage camp directors to be flexible about the rules. You can limit calls to five minutes once a day and only allow outgoing calls. Be aware that while telephone contact may be reassuring, it may also cause anxiety. If a camper does become upset, you might say, "I know you want to talk with your parents but I can't let you become this upset. It's not good for you or the other campers. How can we handle this next time?" Next time you might have staff help the camper write a letter.

Staff can provide an emotional outlet for campers to express their concerns via creative writing and dramatics. The campers can let off steam and present their concerns in a nonthreatening manner: "It's not me I'm talking about, it's a story I've made up for the puppet" (but it's really my life that's influencing what I choose to make the puppet do).

Information from parents

How do you know which campers are experiencing the turmoil of divorce? Consider adding clauses to the camper enrollment agreement and/or talk to parents at enrollment time. The information will help you prepare your staff and will answer legal and business questions.