Men and women are from mars

USA Today (Society for the Advancement of Education), April, 2004

It turns out men and women are not from different planets after all, relates research from a Purdue University, West Lafayette, Ind., interpersonal communication specialist. For more than a decade, Americans have bought books and games based on the multimillion dollar industry built around the "Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus" theory of relationship counselor John Gray, which explains communication differences between men and women as resulting from divergent sexual cultures. While there are small differences between men's and women's techniques of support, they are not enough to back the claim that the sexes are their own cultures or come from different planets.

"When it comes to comforting, the Mars-Venus concept is not only wrong, but harmful," argues Erina MacGeorge, assistant professor of communication. "For the most part, men and women use, and strongly prefer, the same ways of comforting others--listening, sympathizing, and giving thoughtful advice. Yet, books like Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus and Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand tell men that being masculine means dismissing feelings and downplaying problems. That isn't what most men do, and it isn't good for either men or women.

Unlike the anecdotes used to support the gender myth of extreme cultural differences between men and women, MacGeorge's "The Myth of Gender Cultures: Similarities Outweigh Differences in Men's and Women's Provision of and Responses to Supportive Communication" is based on questionnaires and interviews with 417 women and 321 men.

"Overall, men and women were beth likely to express sympathy, share similar problems with distressed friends, or discourage their friends from worrying" MacGeorge contends. "Men did give a bit more advice more often than women, and women were slightly more likely to provide support by affirming their friend or offering help."

Moreover, "The different cultures myth says that men reject advice because it threatens their independence, but this study shows that both men and women are equally receptive to friendly and useful advice."

The researcher also looks at how each sex evaluates comforting remarks such as "Don't worry about it, it's not that big of a deal" or "Wow, that is awful. I can understand why you would be upset." There was a three percent difference regarding what kind of reassuring comments they wish to hear.

"Overall, both men and women disliked stereotypical masculine comforting that dismissed or made light of their problems and preferred stereotypically feminine comforting that validated their feelings and perspectives," MacGeorge points out. "According to the Mars-Venus myth, men should have [chosen] tough love but, in fact, they also value empathy and warmth."

Despite finding few disparities between the sexes, MacGeorge admits that some sexual differences in support can be important, even if they are small.

"In earlier studies, my colleagues and I found that men tend to be somewhat more dismissive of others' feelings and problems, even though both men and women dislike this approach. This is one way in which the Mars-Venus myth can be harmful. If we tell men that rejecting the feelings of others is just as good, only culturally different, then we excuse them from becoming good support providers."