Caring for parents who live at a distance

USA Today (Society for the Advancement of Education), March, 2005

Caring for an aging parent is difficult under any circumstances, but it is especially challenging, stressful, and costly for children whose mothers and/or fathers live at a distance. According to the National Council on Aging, nearly 7,000,000 Americans care for older relatives or friends who live more than an hour's drive away. (In fact, a large percentage must travel at least 300 miles to reach their aging relations.) A study by the Metlife Mature Market Institute found that these caregivers spend an average of $392 a month out of their own pocket.

Here are several tips from the Financial Planning Institute, Denver, Colo., for how to bridge the distance successfully at a reasonable cost.

Look for early signs. Aging parents in need of help at home commonly reveal signs in advance of a full-blown crisis--if their family and friends are alert to them. It may be physical (falls at home or worsening arthritis), mental (failing memory or garbled communication), unusual behavior (slovenly personal care or changes in personality), or financial mismanagement (unpaid bills or falling for financial scams).

Plan ahead. Put plans in place before a crisis arises that forces you to take rushed actions. Assess financial resources, clarify health care and transportation options, and make sure important legal documents--such as powers of attorney and living wills--are in place and you know where they are located.

Include the family. Hold a meeting with your parents and siblings or other close loved ones. Discuss what the parents can and cannot do independently. Make plans and decide who will carry them out. Will one person, for example, be in charge of seeing that the right assistance is provided, while another offers financial support?

Identify the public and private agencies that can provide assistance. Start with the local agency on aging. They can give initial assessment help and list sources for everything from in-home nursing care to Meals on Wheels to housecleaners. Also consider hiring a geriatric care manager--a professional who can evaluate needs and arrange for services.

Have contact information. Gather the phone numbers and addresses of your parents' doctor(s), financial advisors, insurance agents, attorney, key neighbors and friends, the service that mows their yard--people you may need to get in touch with at some point.

Hire help. People understandably are reluctant to give up the tasks they always have performed themselves. However, try to convince them that they will be able to live at home that much longer if they hire people to mow their lawn, clean house, shop for groceries, and provide home maintenance.

Build a support network. Beyond professional assistance, try to build a group of friends and family to help. Are neighbors able to check in daily to see that everything is okay? Does their church provide visits or perhaps even volunteers to run errands or take your parents to doctor's appointments?

Hire financial assistance and automate where possible. Automate income deposits and bill paying. Hire a financial planner to provide overall guidance, including assessing financial resources. The planner also may do their taxes and bill paying, or refer you to reputable services.

Be prepared to adjust. Conditions may change, and new actions may be required. While at-home care may suffice for a while, a worsening of conditions ultimately may require that the person be moved to institutional care.