Stress can drive mates apart - emotional, financial and medical crises can harm marriage

USA Today (Society for the Advancement of Education), Dec, 1994

While it is comforting to think of spouses standing by each other in times of stress, it is well-documented that this isn't always the case. Financial, emotional, and medical crises often serve to shatter a marriage irreparably, rather than strengthen the bonds.

Why, exactly, does this happen, and how can couples work to make sure "stress fractures" don't occur in their relationships? There are several factors to consider, notes Jacqueline Cook, a marriage and family therapist and associate professor of family medicine at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center.

The first is that both spouses bring to a marriage their own unique stress reactions, definition of a "crisis," and coping skills (or lack thereof)--all formed in the family in which they grew up. These reactions are not always compatible, so when stress-filled events occur--the loss of a job, the death of a child or other family member, chronic illness, etc.--a major factor in whether the marriage will survive lies in the problem-solving framework the couple has built together.

"If this mechanism works well and is firmly in place before a tragedy strikes, the odds of the marriage surviving unscathed are better," Cook indicates. "Also, if the couple has time to heal between losses and changes, it is better for the relationship. When people are under chronic stress, they tend to do only the necessary things required for day-to-day survival, and they have much less energy available to deal with emotional issues. If the stress has gone on for a long period of time, they also can easily lose their perspective."

Individuals often are "out of sync" with each other in stressful situations, meaning one partner is more taxed and emotionally depleted than the other. This can become an advantage if couples use it as a means to counterbalance each other. When one partner is "stressed out," the other can act as a sounding board.

However, patterns can change irrevocably when someone's life is interrupted by a major event. "Protracted stress has a toxic effect on the communication process. People under stress are more likely to lash out, become distracted, or attach blame. Relatives and friends also can strongly influence the outcome through remarks such as 'There he goes again.'"

People have the resources to do creative problem-solving if they choose to invest themselves in a marriage or other relationship, Cook maintains. All long-term marriages have withstood severe stress tests--whether financial or related to illness or family. "At the same time, a marriage dissolving is not always a negative thing, if that relationship itself has been stress-filled. If all avenues have been explored and the individuals truly are at an impasse, it may be the best option for everyone concerned."