How to jump-start a stale marriage

USA Today (Society for the Advancement of Education), July, 1996

When love is new, it's easy to be spontaneous and search out ways to please your partner, notes Cathleen Gray, assistant professor of social work, The Catholic University of America. After several years in a marriage, though, spouses often lose the energy to work at their romances. "It's very hard after dealing with the mortgage, the baby, and cleaning the house to put on our outside self, the person we are when we go to parties, the fun side of ourselves. It's hard to be spontaneous with someone we really know because it feels artificial."

When couples consider their relationships stale and dull, it's a warning sign for more serious trouble down the road. "When people get stale, they get quiet. They stop asking questions and stop acting interested and curious about their partner." Gray offers five ways to freshen stale relationships:

* Instead of asking, "Why can't my spouse be more exciting?," take the initiative and launch something new in the relationship. Make it a surprise lunch date or rent a movie you had seen on one of your first dates.

* When you're going home from work, have a plan. Think of a story, an idea, a compliment--something that will add to your partner's day. Women put lipstick on before they go out the door. Men comb their hair. Do this before going home to your partner.

* Never go two weeks without having time alone. A weekend getaway to a bed and breakfast might not be possible, but couples always can make time to take a walk, visit a museum, or find a pretty spot to watch the sun set.

* Send a love letter. Include a note in your spouse's briefcase, purse, or gym bag. All it has to say is that you'll be thinking of him or her during your day.

* Make sure you give a hug every day--not just hello and good-bye hugs, but warm embraces that remind you why you fell in love in the first place.