Many single women prefer married men

USA Today (Society for the Advancement of Education), August, 1996

The number of relationships between married men and single women has increased greatly over the past decade and appears to be on the rise, notes Victoria L. Rayner, a business consultant and author of The Survival Guide for Today's Career Woman. "The reasons why women become involved in extramarital affairs vary. Single women who are afraid of committing to a serious relationship will often end up having an affair with a married man.

"Married lovers are especially appealing to single, career-oriented women because they are less demanding than a spouse or a live-in boyfriend. Single and content, these women are too active in their careers to assume the responsibilities of married life." Some unmarried females also see a married male as an answer to their financial or sexual problems. "They may eventually want to settle down, but not until their earnings, experience, maturity, and attitude are such that they feel ready."

Not all single women who become involved in extramarital affairs do so knowingly, though. Some "men may lie and say that they are separated or in the process of getting a divorce. By the time the single woman figures out that her new lover already has a wife and children, it is often too late. She is already emotionally attached." Such affairs can go on for months, years, or even decades, but eventually will end, Rayner warns. "The trauma from the separation can produce intense emotional reactions. When the breakup does come, it almost always seems as if the married man has won.

"Circumstances may influence men to cheat on their wives, but few will actually leave them. Although the single woman plays an important role in her married lover's life, when a man `cuts the cord,' he usually discards everything and everyone connected with the memory of his marriage."

The emotional aftermath of the terminated affair can be devastating. "A common response is that of guilt and self-blame, most of it for being naive and overly trusting. Once reality sets in, she discovers that the dashing man she loves is merely fiction."

In the long run, an extramarital affair just doesn't pay off, Rayner advises."The overwhelming despair from the breakup can last for months of even years. It can cost the single woman her financial security and self-respect, not to speak of the mental anguish involved. Worst of all, she is at risk of losing something of much greater value: her sense of identity."