What to do when your kids don't want to go back to school - parenting; combating feigning illness to stay home from school

USA Today (Society for the Advancement of Education), July, 1997

Most parents understand how difficult it can be to get their offspring out of bed in the morning and off to school. After a long summer of sleeping in and enjoying days by the pool and nights playing Super Nintendo, attending classes doesn't sound so attractive to most kids.

"There are a lot of reasons why a child may not want to go to school," indicates Randall Flanery, assistant professor of community and family medicine, St. Louis (Mo.) University School of Medicine, and a pediatric psychologist. "For whatever reason, school is too hard, nobody likes them, or it's a new school. Also, a change in the family structure such as a divorce can be difficult. This is all fertile ground for what we call school avoidance."

He recommends parents talk positively with their offspring about their anxieties. Try to relate to the child and understand his or her concerns. Make it normal and be empathetic. Don't let them feel like they are dumb or weird for not liking school. "I think a positive attitude in parents is very important. Parents who are anxious communicate their anxiety to the child."

Often, a youngster may feign illness to get out of going to school. Doctors say you shouldn't confront them or imply they are lying. "If he says his stomach hurts, or makes some other vague, unvalidatable symptom, don't ever say the child is making it up," suggests C. Alec Pollard, professor of community and family medicine and a psychologist who specializes in anxiety disorders. "He may try harder to convince you he is ill. Encourage the child to go to school. But if he stays home, then make sure the experience is not too enjoyable. They need to learn early on if you stay home sick, you stay in bed, all day and into the evening. No television and no Nintendo. There can be no rewards for getting better at three in the afternoon. If it is not addressed, it can become a chronic problem."

Unless a child suffers from a legitimate anxiety disorder and needs to seek professional help, the best policy for parents to follow is to be understanding, but firm, and insist the youngster go to class. "It is not a negotiable matter about going to school," Flanery maintains. "Reassure your child that you know school can be hard, or making friends can be difficult, but in the end, let them know they are going to school without exception and then try to help them deal with whatever they are anxious about."