Tripping over the English tongue - English language - Column

USA Today (Society for the Advancement of Education), Sept, 1997 by Gerald F. Kreyche

The story is told of a person knocking at the Pearly Gates. St, Peter asks who is there, and the answer comes, "It is I." "Go to Hell," replies Peter. "We have enough English teachers up here already!"

Compared to Greek, Latin, and Japanese, English is relatively easy to learn, although its vocabulary is extensive and increasing daily as computerese has pushed its way into daily living. English has become the lingua franca of our time and is the universal language for science and technology. Yet, we all tend to murder it, both in writing and speaking. Here are a few examples.

It is easy to get mixed up on prefixes and suffixes, as the rules of grammar are inconsistent. As much as we hear the word, irregardless, it is not a legitimate one. To allow it would be to negate what is intended. The old rule still holds true that "two negatives make a positive." Regardless is the proper term.

For years, gasoline trucks carried the warning: inflammable. Many thought that flammable was its opposite, as inconsistent is the opposite of consistent. Not so! Flammable means exactly the same as inflammable, and the warning signs have dropped the prefix "in," eliminating at least one piece of confusion. Similarly, reiterate means the same as iterate, and inhabitable and habitable are synonymous. However, invaluable increases the worth of being valuable, to the point of being priceless.

Language is like clothes, said one philosopher. It can reveal or conceal. Let's say your daughter is taking piano lessons and you want to know if you are spending your money wisely. You ask the teacher, who replies, "She certainly is not without a lack of talent." What would you do -- continue lessons or quit? After deciphering the negative, you should discontinue her lessons as the statement maintains she has no talent.

Word order is a major problem to one studying German, where verbs often appear at the end of extended sentences. People joke that, if the last page of a German whodunit were torn out, the reader never would know who was the murderer. The shorter sentences in English are less subject to this dilemma, but one still can flounder. For example, a cub reporter wrote a headline: "Woman Shot in Rear at 1667 Fulton St." (Now there's a tender spot.) Or consider this sentence from a high school student: "While standing on his hind legs, the master petted the dog." (Two four-legged creatures, one must presume.) Then there is the man who asked ungrammatically, "Do you love your wife still?" He replied, "That's the only way I love her."

British statesman Winston Churchill gave the ultimate put-down to fussy grammarians. In Parliament, he once ended a sentence with a preposition -- generally the first no-no taught by English teachers. A speaker chided Churchill, a noted author and master of the English language, that one so great could make such an egregious error. Not the least nonplussed, Churchill replied, "Gentlemen, that is something up with which you will have to put!"

People often confuse adverbs and adjectives. For instance, when a friend asked another, "How are you?," the reply came, "Good." The first responded, "I didn't inquire about your moral condition, but about your health." The reply should have been that the person was well. Similarly, cars run well, not good.

If you wish to grate upon the nerves of an English teacher performing a task, ask, "Are you done yet?" The offended academic surely will reply, "You mean am I finished yet?" Steaks may be done or even well-done, not people!

Many individuals are prone to the sin of sports announcers who seem to have ignored the difference between further and farther. Players don't run further down the field; they run farther. One is further along in a book than another reader. The rule is that farther is employed when physical distance is referred to.

Redundancy in space lingo means the duplication of systems so that, if one fails, another can take over its function. It is desirable there, but not in grammar. How many of us describe something as very unique? The number is legion, yet unique means singular -- nothing else like it. The word very adds no further emphasis. So, too, for new innovation and general consensus. Consensus means general agreement.

Oxymorons refer not to idiots, but to words whose meaning is conflicting, if not contradictory. They are like a fiercely barking dog wagging a friendly tail. The old standby is bittersweet. In golf, metal woods are now the "in" thing. Jumbo shrimp is a prime example, as are mandatory options for car buyers and fresh-frozen foods in the supermarket. A discovery of a dwarf mammoth recently came from a paleontologist on Santa Rosa Island off the coast of California. One can not but think he had a sense of humor. However, would the Army accept military intelligence as a humorous oxymoron?

Euphemisms describe a stark reality in seemingly gentle terms. This is at the heart of political correctness. For instance, a hairless person who might otherwise be called bald now is referred to as follicley challenged. In short, euphemisms refuse to call a spade a spade.