The Long View - imagined conversation between George W. Bush and European leaders - Brief Article

National Review, July 9, 2001 by Rob Long

The European

Charm Offensive

scene one: spain

POTUS: Hey, amigo.

AZNAR: Buenos dias, Senor Presidente.

POTUS: C'mon now, bud. You can call me George.

AZNAR: Gracias, George.

POTUS: De nada, amigo. Great spot you got here.

AZNAR: Thank you.

POTUS: Love to build a missile defense outpost around here. Just the perfect place for it.

AZNAR: Well, you see . . .

POTUS: Perfectamundo.

AZNAR: I'm not sure . . .

POTUS: Got any more of that rice thing? Just totally delicious.

AZNAR: You like the paella?

POTUS: Like it? Bud, I could eat a ton of the stuff.

AZNAR: I'll get some more.

POTUS: Makes me sleepy, though. Makes me want to cut some z's in the middle of the afternoon.

AZNAR: You like to take a siesta?

POTUS: Like it? Bud, I could sleep until three right here right now.

AZNAR: Mr. President-

POTUS: Whoa whoa whoa.

AZNAR: Sorry. George. George, you are very charming.

POTUS: Thanks, amigo. Now about that missile defense . . .

AZNAR: I don't see why it should be a problem.

scene two: goteborg

POTUS: Hey! Landslide!

BLAIR: Hello, George.

POTUS: Congrats, buddy.

BLAIR: Thank you.

POTUS: How about that missile defense thing? Can we build it?

BLAIR: Oh, why not?

scene three: goteborg

POTUS: Hey! Gerhard! My main man! How goes it, mein Freund?

SCHROEDER: Mr. President, we have several main areas of disagreement with your current policy. We believe strongly that the Kyoto accords, negotiated with your country in good faith over several years, represent the best hope for the world's environment. In addition, the current political and economic climate in the world is deteriorating-a case of Weltkopolitiklimatgeschloss, as we say in German.

POTUS: To be candid, Gerhard, the Kyoto treaty was negotiated almost four years ago, and in the intervening years, it could have been accepted and ratified by all of the countries that now complain about American unilateral rejection of the treaty. It wasn't for the simple reason that it isn't a good treaty, imposes grave economic hardship on nations such as Germany and the United States, and doesn't include the fastest-growing polluting segment, Third World nations, such as India and China. So isn't it a case of an expedient political situation that benefits both sides? You have no intention of ratifying such a treaty, but to protect yourself from the vocal German Green party, you have simply waited until we, America, bear the burden and blame for its death.

SCHROEDER: Perhaps.

POTUS: I believe the phrase in German is Groenlossgesundschaftheidanschaung.

SCHROEDER: Yes, I see.

POTUS: I'm hungry for cured and smoked meats.

SCHROEDER: Right away, sir.

scene four: goteborg

POTUS: Bonjour, mon cher ami. S'il vous plait, avez-vous une cigarette?

CHIRAC: The president wishes to smoke?

POTUS: Mais bien sur, mon vieux. J'aime bien les cigarettes, les fromages tres forts, et les jolies femmes.

CHIRAC: If I may be so forward, this is not the president we were expecting.

POTUS: Oui, oui. Je sais. Je sais. Mais dans la vie, il faut avoir des surprises, non?

CHIRAC: Yes, I suppose so.

POTUS: J'ai soif. Y-a-t'il du vin?

CHIRAC: Wine?

POTUS: Oui, oui. Un bon vin rouge, peut-etre? Un Chinon frais? Un Sancerre rouge? Je prefere un vin pas tres lourd.

CHIRAC: But I thought the president was a, how you say, a tee-to-ta- lair?

POTUS: Pas avec le vin! Mon dieu! Si on n'a pas du vin, on ne vit pas du tout.

CHIRAC: Yes, I agree.

POTUS: Est-ce possible de parler un petit peu de missile defense?

CHIRAC: Yes, as you know, Mr. President, we are strongly and forcefully against any abrogation of the ABM treaty. We further believe that any attempt by the United States to create an antimissile umbrella will result in the destabilization of world security.

POTUS: Vraiment?

CHIRAC: Well, yes.

POTUS: Cigarette?

CHIRAC: Yes, please.

POTUS: Un bon fromage? Livarot? Reblochon?

CHIRAC: Yes, please.

POTUS: A space-based missile defense?

CHIRAC: Why not?

scene five: slovenia

POTUS: Hey! Vlad! What's shakin'?

PUTIN: Greetings, Mr. President.

POTUS: How's it hangin'?

PUTIN: Things are well. I must congratulate you on your successful trip through Europe. I couldn't help but notice that your charm offensive worked quite well.

POTUS: Charm offensive? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just a simple Texan.

PUTIN: Yes, yes.

POTUS: Can we talk a bit about missile defense?

PUTIN: Absolutely. Can we talk a bit about us joining NATO?

POTUS: Absolutely. Can we walk and smile for the cameras?

PUTIN: Absolutely. Can we talk about some loan guarantees?

POTUS: Absolutely. Can we build our missile defense?

PUTIN: Absolutely.

POTUS: Vlad, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.