On The Right

National Review, July 26, 1999 by William F. Buckley Jr.

Good Morning, Boris

NEW YORK, JUNE 15

'All set, Mr. President: President Yeltsin is on the line."

"Is Sandy Berger standing by on the Situation Room line?"

"Yes, sir, and your video screen is connected."

"Good morning, Boris. I trust you are well?"

"Is there any reason why I should not be well, Beel?"

"No, no reason at all, but we have been wondering about your communication with General Slopov-"

[on screen] "IT'S SHLEPOV."

"-with General Shlepov. Perhaps he has misunderstood you. The British are trying to get down to the airfield at Pristina and-"

"The British? They have been the most mad-dog warmongers. I am surprised they have not begun to fire artillery at our Russian division-"

"IT'S ONLY 200 SOLDIERS. BATTALION NOT DIVISION."

"Boris, I'm glad we aren't talking about a Russian division. We are talking about a mere battalion, and since the cease-fire arrangements made it very clear that NATO was in charge of guaranteeing the military terms of the agreement-" "CHERNOMYRDIN AGREED."

"-as your distinguished envoy agreed, Boris."

"Viktor. Ah, Viktor. I think I will fire Viktor. He does not, I think, have a truly Russian soul. The division that went into Kosovo, they have the Russian soul. They will not take orders from your imperialistic NATO, let's understand that, Beel."

"But Boris, the military operation to stop ethnic cleansing was a NATO operation. You would not expect that NATO would wish a division in Kosovo, that would be very-"

"DIVISIVE."

"-divisive."

"You do not want divisiveness, Beel. We do not want divisiveness. But what do we have? We have all of Western Europe pushing up against Soviet-against Russian-borders in threatening ways, now including Poland. Would you like me to have a NATO division superintending traffic in Moscow? Is that what you would like, Beel?"

"Of course not. I mean, Boris, we have absolutely no imperial ambitions. We do not want one half-acre of territory that you control. We are struggling to bring and maintain peace-"

"MENTION G-8."

"-in all of Europe. And when the G-8 meet at the end of the week I think you will-as our guest, Boris, our honored guest-you will reconfirm the impression you certainly got at our last meeting in Tokyo, that we not only wish you well, Boris, we are anxious to try to help in any way-"

"Help Russia? Russia does not need help. Russia is entitled to a degree of economic cooperation. Russia is recuperating from many endeavors. Where would Western Europe be if Russia had not contributed 15 million men to the defeat of Nazi Germany? I myself as a boy saw the Germans-"

"CAREFUL. AVOID 1945-1989."

"-march through the town of Ekaterinaburg. They burned everything except the Czar's last home. I had to do that for them. Hah!!! That's a good one, 'I had to do that for them-'"

"We understand all of the difficulties Russia is having and want to help. But, Boris, we can't just have the British general who is in charge of the NATO military in Kosovo, we can't just have him standing outside like a schoolboy, waiting for your soldiers to permit his helicopter and the command helicopters to set down. You must understand that that is simply unbearable for us-"

"Why do you not complain to the United Nations?"

"The United Nations! Boris, our operation has nothing to do with the United Nations."

"Russia is committed to cooperation with the United Nations. Are you asking us to scorn the United Nations? Are we not pledged to work with the United Nations?"

"Boris, of course we have to cooperate with the U.N. But the U.N. was not involved in our operation to stop the ethnic cleansing in Kosovo and what we are doing right now is implementing the cease-fire accords which Chernomyrdin approved-"

"I told you. I think I will fire Viktor."

"PROMISE YOU WON'T SNITCH."

"Well, of course, Boris, that is your business. I would never reveal that you are impatient with your personal envoy. I would not even let my own White House people know that. But we do have his signature as your representative-"

"I'll think about it . . . "

"SIGN OFF. SAY TUESDAY YOU'LL CALL."

"Thank you, Boris. I will call back on Tuesday. And please, instruct your . . . division to please allow the British general to land."

"Ho ho. His helicopter is running out of gas? Ho ho. Good-bye, Beel."

"Good-bye, Boris."

Creeping Unction

NEW YORK, JUNE 8

There is something a little undignified about the galloping Republican beatification of Gov. George Bush. This phenomenon is interesting on several levels. We have been through a presidential session in which the word went out, however obliquely, that a United States president is not to be touched once he is in office. On another level, we seem to be looking for a presidential successor in the tradition of a Dalai Lama-who at age two is identified by the wise men as the divine successor. It happens that I have known, however slightly, George W., have known well and have deep regard for President Bush, and evaluate the governor's policies as somewhere between commendable and inscrutable. But every time another governor sends forth his benediction to Mr. Bush's presidential campaign, one winces at the creeping unction of it all. Gov. Pataki all but announced his thralldom to George W. in Radio City Music Hall with the cast of The Lion King.