Jerry's Kid: I am Candidate Springer's whipping boy

National Review, August 11, 2003 by Jonah Goldberg

If you go to Jerry Springer's website, you will see this: "Click on the image to view Jerry's message of hope and inclusion as he does battle against elitists who think Middle America is populated with 'slack- jawed yokels, hicks, weirdos, pervs, and whatnot.'"

Alas, if you were hoping Jerry Springer's "battle" with elitists might take the form of strippers fighting by proxy in creamed corn-not an unreasonable hope-you'll be disappointed. If you click on his message, all you'll find is the sort of civics lesson you might expect from a student-body vice president at a junior college, full of gobbledygook about the glories of mandatory voting and the need for health insurance and so on. But before you can say, "infomercial boring . . . losing consciousness," you discover that Jerry's battle with "elitists" is deceitfully pluralized. Because he's really only doing battle with me.

On January 26 of this year, on CNN's Late Edition, I noted that, since Springer has served as a one-man sprinkler system of sleaze, maybe the country could do without the Springer vote. "To me," quoth I, "this proves that voter turnout is not this glorious thing . . . because if Jerry Springer shows up, he'll bring all these new people to the polls, they will be slack-jawed yokels, hicks, weirdos, pervs, and whatnot."

In a mixture of effrontery, desperation, and the savant-like genius he has for saying stupid things with intelligent-sounding sentences, Springer somehow manages to transmogrify my comments-clearly expressed to describe the toothless pimps, drugged-out hookers, and other human train wrecks Springer has paraded across America's small screens-into a description of all of "middle America." But his alchemy doesn't end there. I'm not just an arrogant elitist; I also represent the entire Evil Nexus of Government and Big Media. "There is an incestuous relationship between the national media and the administration and the politicians in Washington," Springer declares. He has explained to The New Republic's Michelle Cottle that he and I represent two sides of "a cultural battle in a sense: elitism versus the mass of Americans."

No longer am I a relatively obscure, quirky conservative pundit. No, according to Springer I am now without qualification the voice of both the Bush administration and the elite media, not to mention both houses of Congress and both sides of the aisle. In other words, all of this petty bickering about war, economics, and the culture we've been going through for the last 50-or 250-years is all a mirage, for behind the curtain all of us in Washington are united in our contempt for the Little Guy, and Jerry will not let America be crucified on a Cross of Goldberg. Springer is even selling pictures of himself in front of the "Welcome" sign outside the town of Hicksville, Ohio, with the "pervs and whatnot" quote superimposed over it.

Now, it should go without saying that this is all staggeringly stupid. Unfortunately, it doesn't go without saying-because Springer's strategy seems to be working with the national media. CNN's Miles O'Brien sympathetically asked Springer if there isn't "a little bit of arrogance" in my comments, to which Springer replied, "There's a lot of arrogance, isn't there? I mean that's the elitism. Honestly, that's the elitism which is affecting our government right now." For some inexplicable reason, O'Brien simply nodded along, never following up to ask how my comments-let alone Springer's misinterpretation of them- could possibly be construed as the prevailing view in Washington, where every politician pays homage to the glories of voter turnout.

Or consider MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, who said in a puff interview with Springer: "Jonah Goldberg of National Review said on CNN that you would bring 'slack-jawed yokels, hicks, weirdoes, pervs, and whatnots.' And apart from considering the source there, at what point did we stop letting yokels, hicks, weirdoes, pervs, and whatnots vote? We let Jonah Goldberg vote." Springer responded: "Well, you make a good point. But that's the elitism. That's the elitism that is part of the problem. Our government right now is very good at protecting the interests of the wealthy and the powerful. But anyone who isn't in that group, they're just not part of the equation." Blah, blah, blah.

These and other puffball interviews with Springer reveal something interesting about the media establishment in Washington. First of all, they love him, perhaps in part because he's a ratings-grabber. But more important, it helps demonstrate that Springer is in fact right that there's arrogant elitism inside the Beltway-but he shouldn't be complaining about it, because it's benefiting him. At the national level Springer's rhetoric about how he represents the little guy is taken at face value, as if from the Olympian heights of a New York or Washington studio all little guys look alike, like ants on the ground.

In Middle America, however, the average taxpaying citizen knows full well the difference between a little guy and a Springer guy. For example, according to various news reports the people of Hicksville, Ohio, were furious with Springer for suggesting that the "hicks, weirdoes, and pervs" description applied to them. "I've always thought it would be good to put Hicksville on the map, but not this way," Mayor Janis Meyer told the Columbus Dispatch. Village Administrator Kent Miller added: "If Springer's running for office, I don't know why he'd want to tick off 3,600 people."