Letter from Al - satire on Vice-Pres. Al Gore - Brief Article

National Review, August 30, 1999

THE NEW REPUBLIC

MP: But how did you feel when you heard that your husband-a guy associated with environmental causes, a champion of the ecosystem-had actually flooded a river for a better photo-op?

TG: Well, I'm not sure he . . . I mean, he didn't know. I think you're going to find out . . . we're all going to find out . . . when this is all over.

MP: He didn't know they were going to flood the river?

TG: Of course he didn't, Marty. Of course he didn't.

MP: But it hurt him, politically, didn't it?

TG: I think when you bring up stuff like this . . . stuff like the river or whatever . . . you're really asking about the core person. About who Al Gore is. And I think . . . and he and I have talked about this . . . I think we're talking about a man who, at a very young age . . . I mean, let's remember here that this was a boy who grew up in a hotel. Literally! In a hotel! And I think that had a lot to do with the way he sees things. The way he sometimes will see something like . . . and I'm being hypothetical here, Marty . . . something like, say, flooding a river . . . as maybe the kind of thing that he learned was okay growing up in that hotel.

MP: Sort of like room service?

TG: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Room service. Like ordering breakfast or whatever.

MP: Let's talk for a minute about the fundraising scandal.

TG: Again, we're talking about a man who for many years was the second- in-command to one of the greatest fundraisers in the history of the Democratic party. That must have been crushing. Especially for an overachiever like Al. That was a form of abuse, I think. Those high expectations. Naturally, he was tempted to bend the rules.

MP: And when he called Bill Clinton, on the eve of his impeachment, one of America's "greatest presidents"?

TG: Well, again, caught between Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, the stresses of the situation . . . which in many ways, let's be honest, Marty, in many ways was abusive to the vice president . . . some form of abuse . . . he chose to support Bill during the crisis. You know, he was brought up to support "Daddy" in times of stress, and so that's what he did. But later, after the "Vietnam War," to continue the comparison, was over, he thought about it, and switched sides.

MP: That's when he called the president's behavior during the Monica Lewinsky scandal "inexcusable."

TG: Right. He switched back to "Mommy."

MP: I guess I'm not clear on what exactly you're saying. Are these missteps that your husband has made the result of some sort of . . . mental illness?

TG: Is it a mental illness? Okay. Yes! It's a mental illness.

MP: Are you saying that your husband, the vice president of the United States, is mentally ill?

TG: Well, isn't he?

MP: And you're speaking as . . . ?

TG: As a mental-health advocate. As a mental-health enthusiast. And as the wife of a mentally ill candidate. He grew up in a hotel-kind of like that little boy in The Shining, when you get right down to it. Caught between his demanding father-a senator! try living up to that one!-and a distant mother. You know, I've been asking around the various mental- health conferences that I attend, and when I describe Al's upbringing- you know, hotel, senator dad, the war, Harvard, the whole bit-they just all look at me and go, "Poor Tipper." But I don't think "Poor Tipper," okay? This is a great opportunity to talk about important issues. Which is why my mental-health initiative is so important.

MP: And this would explain his strange lie about the novel Love Story being based on you and Al? Because he's nuts?

TG: We don't like the word "nuts," Marty. We prefer the term "cognitive dysfunction."

MP: And that's why he claimed to have invented the Internet?

TG: Well, in that case, that was nuts. But I don't want to dwell on what's nuts and what isn't. Because properly medicated, Al could be a terrific candidate! And a fabulous president.