Schedule changes for the republican convention

National Review, Sept 1, 2008 by Rob Long

All changes marked with "***"

MONDAY

***[PLEASE NOTE: Because of the advanced age of the candidate and most of the conventioneers, Monday's morning program has been moved to the Day Activity Room of the Sunnyside Assisted Living Facility, West Cedar Street, Minneapolis. Press vans will gather at the convention site at 8:30 AM.]

***9:00 AM Senior Stretch Aerobics with John McCain--the nominee leads the conventioneers in a low-impact stretch-aerobics class, tailored specifically to the needs of seniors.

***4:00 PM: Conventioneers begin "Early Bird Dinner" break.

***5:00 PM: Convention Evening Programming begins with "A Tribute to NASCAR" and "An All-Star Country Band, Middle-America Sing-Along, Hoedown Hollerin' I Love America Parade," live by satellite from the deck of an offshore oil derrick. [Formerly: "A Tribute to NASCAR" and "An All-Star Country Band, Middle-America Sing-Along, Hoedown Hollerin' I Love America Parade," live from the convention hall.]

***3:30 AM: Address by Vice Pres. Dick Cheney.

***3:50 AM: Address by Pres. George W. Bush.

TUESDAY

***6:00 AM: Conventioneers wake up in hotel room, feel disoriented. Complain about breakfast prices.

***7:00 AM: Conventioneers wait for shuttle buses to convention venue, complain about driver discourtesy.

***8:00 AM: Conventioneers issued "Little Rascal" electric personal-transportation devices.

***10:00 AM Workshop: "From Swift Boats to Paris Hilton: How to Make, Shoot, Edit, and Post Your Anonymous Viral Video." [Formerly: "A Tribute to America's First Responders."]

***4:30 PM: Nominee eats "Early Bird Dinner" with conventioneers.

***6:00 PM: Vice-presidential nominee addresses the convention from the control room of San Onofre Nuclear Generating Center.

***6:45 PM: Convention gaveled to a close for the evening.

***7:00 PM: Conventioneers go to bed.

***7:15 PM: Conventioneers double-check deadbolts and latches on hotel-room doors.

***8:10 PM: Conventioneers call down to front desk to ask about strange noises in hallways.

***8:30 PM: Conventioneers toss and turn, unable to sleep due to agitation when made aware of minibar prices.

WEDNESDAY

***6:00 PM: Oil well constructed, drilling through podium floor. [Formerly: opening interfaith benediction.]

***6:30 PM: Address by Sen. John McCain.

***6:55 PM: Well strikes oil. Nominee and running mate showered with crude.

***7:00 PM: Balloon drop.

PLEASE NOTE ALL CHANGES ARE TENTATIVE. PRESS LIAISON WILL UPDATE AS NECESSARY. CHECK THE CONVENTION WEBSITE FOR LAST-MINUTE ADDITIONS.