Coming soon, Married Eye for the Single Guy

National Review, Sept 29, 2003 by Rob Long

MARRIED GUY: "Dude, what are you doing?"

SINGLE GUY: "Calling my girlfriend."

MARRIED GUY: "Why?"

SINGLE GUY: "'Cause I said I'd call her around now and, like, she gets upset if I say I'm . . . "

MARRIED GUY: "Are you married?"

SINGLE GUY: "What? You know I'm not."

MARRIED GUY: "Answer the question, dude. Are you married?"

SINGLE GUY: "No."

MARRIED GUY: "Do you want to be married?"

SINGLE GUY: "Um . . . no."

MARRIED GUY: "Listen to me very closely. You need to stop it with the calling her all the time. Stop it with the romantic stuff and the surprise dinners you prepare and all of that . . . that baloney."

SINGLE GUY: "Why?"

MARRIED GUY:: "Because I did all of that stuff, too, dude. And now look at me."

SINGLE GUY: "Really?"

MARRIED GUY: "It starts with the regular phone calls, just to say 'hi.' It progresses to hanging out with her married-couple friends. Then it's a romantic weekend away. People start assuming you're a couple. You start keeping stuff at her place. She starts keeping stuff at your place. You turn around and all of a sudden she's making wedding- invitation lists and you're renting a morning suit and you're in Hawaii and then suddenly you're in Bed, Bath & Beyond on a Saturday afternoon buying something called a 'pillow sham' and telling her which shower curtain you think is best."

SINGLE GUY: "Wow."

MARRIED GUY: "Get. Out. Now."

SINGLE GUY: "Maybe I won't call her today."

MARRIED GUY: "I'm here to help, dude."

(cell phone rings)

SINGLE GUY: "Is that your cell phone?"

MARRIED GUY: "Yeah. It's my wife. I need to take this."

Also coming soon, Left Eye for the Right Guy

LEFT GUY: "Great place. Great use of space."

RIGHT GUY: "Thanks."

LEFT GUY: "What's this on the table?"

RIGHT GUY: "An ashtray."

LEFT GUY: "Okay, that's the first thing that's gotta go."

RIGHT GUY: "But . . . "

LEFT GUY: "No no no. No buts. I'm here to help you. You want help, right?"

RIGHT GUY: "Right. But what if I have friends who smoke?"

LEFT GUY: "Dump them. You probably also have friends who are into school vouchers and capital-gains-tax elimination, too, right?"

RIGHT GUY: "Well, yeah. I mean, those are pretty popular positions, actually. When you look at the poll numbers . . ."

LEFT GUY: "What's this?"

RIGHT GUY: "My bookshelf."

LEFT GUY: "And what's on the bookshelf?"

RIGHT GUY: "Books."

LEFT GUY: "Anything by Toni Morrison?"

RIGHT GUY: "Um . . . no."

LEFT GUY: "Noam Chomsky?"

RIGHT GUY: "No way."

LEFT GUY: "Then what's it good for? Let's pull it down and put up some really explicit homoerotic art."

RIGHT GUY: "What? But I'm not . . . "

LEFT GUY: "What do you do for a living?"

RIGHT GUY: "I'm a tax attorney."

LEFT GUY: "Yeah, that's going to have to change, too. From now on you're a sculptor working in large-format installations."

RIGHT GUY: "What?"

LEFT GUY: "Your studio will be in the garage."

RIGHT GUY: "What about my car?'

LEFT GUY: "You have a car?"

RIGHT GUY: "Yeah. I've got a Chevy Trailblazer. What's wrong with . . . oh. Oh, right."

LEFT GUY: "Yeah. 'Oh, right' is right. That's the first thing we're going to eBay out of here. Get yourself an electric car."

RIGHT GUY: "I can't afford an electric car."

LEFT GUY: "Well then you'd better get cracking on some of those large- format sculptural installations, hadn't you?"

RIGHT GUY: "But . . ."

LEFT GUY: "Okay! Big problem in the bathroom!"

RIGHT GUY: "What?"

LEFT GUY: "No bidet."

RIGHT GUY: "So?"

LEFT GUY: "So what happens when the French foreign minister comes over for vegan sandwiches?"

RIGHT GUY: "But he's never going to . . . "

LEFT GUY: "I'm just here to help, man."

RIGHT GUY: "I think this is too much change. Really. "

LEFT GUY: "Do you want tickets to the Dean inaugural or not?"

RIGHT GUY: "Well . . . "

Also coming soon, Islamist Eye for the Secular Guy

ISLAMIST GUY: "Nice place. Good light."

SECULAR GUY: "Thanks. My wife is a decorator, so . . . "

ISLAMIST GUY: "Your wife is a whore."

SECULAR GUY: "Beg pardon?"

ISLAMIST GUY: "Right after your facial we must stone her to death."

SECULAR GUY: "Now wait a second . . . "

ISLAMIST GUY: "Where do you keep your slaves?"

SECULAR GUY: "Um . . . I guess I haven't gotten around to getting any . . . "

ISLAMIST GUY: "No problem. Now let's talk about your back hair."

SECULAR GUY: "I don't have any back hair."

ISLAMIST GUY: "I know. It's disgusting. I look at you in a tank top and all I see is pink skin. Not a good look. But there's an easy fix. Rogaine, of course . . . "

SECULAR GUY: "Rogaine? For my back?"

ISLAMIST GUY: "And shoulders."

SECULAR GUY: "Wait a second . . . "

ISLAMIST GUY: "And in the meantime, we'll fit you with a back-and- shoulder wig."

SECULAR GUY: "But . . . "

ISLAMIST GUY: "I smell bacon."

SECULAR GUY: "Yeah, I just had breakfast."

ISLAMIST GUY: "You eat bacon?"

SECULAR GUY: "Yeah, I do . . . oh, wait, damn, I forgot. You guys are against that, right?"

ISLAMIST GUY: "Right. But it's no biggie. It'll just make the manicure go twice as fast."

SECULAR GUY: "Why?"

ISLAMIST GUY: "Because I'm going to chop off your left hand."

SECULAR GUY: "Um . . . "