Letter From Al - political satire - Brief Article

National Review, Sept 27, 1999

From the desk of H. Ross Perot

September 8, 1999

Dear Pat:

Like your style. Like it a lot. I like the way you stick out your hands like you're catching a basketball. And I like the way you talk. You talk fast and I like that.

Wondering where I've been for the past couple of years? That makes two of us. Sitting in my office one day and bam! The lights just went out and I took a rest. Then suddenly the lights went on and here I am! Don't know where I was. Some kind of soft green meadow where my grandma and grandpa were. Spent some time talking to a big warm light. Then bam! Suddenly it's 1999 and I'm back here in Dallas watching George W. Bush sell this country to people who want to make us all drive Mexican cars.

You know and I know that George's boy has got this thing sewed up. And don't tell me about him, because he's the one who wanted to disrupt my daughter's wedding. I have proof of that in a file that I keep in a safe place, so don't go thinking you can get to it because you can't.

Can I finish?

Okay: So the situation, as I see it, is that you can't win in the one party. Simple solution. Didn't take a brain surgeon to figure it out, just some simple common sense.

Join ours.

Can we talk turkey? Can I get completely frank with you for five seconds?

What I want is 1) for you to let me finish, and 2) a healthy exchange of ideas. See, I don't own the Reform Party. Okay? The Reform Party is wholly owned by the American people. Whom I love.

So here's what I'm saying. Can I finish? Can I please finish? Okay: Here's what I'm saying. You interested in running on the Reform Party ticket? As my number two?

There. I'm finished. You can talk now.

Sincerely, Ross Perot

From the Desk of H. Ross Perot

September 8, 1999

Dear Bill:

Like your style. Like it a lot. Liked it back when you were in the Senate. Liked it when you played for the Knicks. Like the way you campaign, too. Simple. Direct. And I really like the way you spend a buck. Meaning, you don't.

Here's the situation. It doesn't take a wizard from the Land of Enchantment to see that Albert Gore's son has got the nomination all sewed up.

The question you have to ask yourself is: Is this how I want it to end?

The Reaper comes for all of us, Senator. And when it does, do you want to be remembered as just another Askew? Just another Alan Cranston?

Let me finish, okay? Well, do you?

You and I aren't on the same page on a lot of issues. I'm not all that sure the American people are best served by being forced to watch a lot of Canadian television. Maybe you can enlighten me on that score.

Maybe not. But I think we agree on a few key things. Number one: The only way to win is to win. And B), the American people deserve people like us.

I know you're wondering where I've been for the past few years. Not really sure myself. I was sitting on a patio chair in 1997 or thereabouts, felt a tingling, tingling, taste of copper. Next thing I know I'm floating kind of above the Oval Office in an invisible helicopter. Then I'm talking to a very wise lion. Then, suddenly, it's 1999 and I'm writing to you. Just shows you that life's funny. Don't need a Ph.D. to tell you that.

So here's what I'm saying. Can I finish? Okay: Here's what I'm saying. You interested in running on the Reform Party ticket? As my number two?

You're kind of tall, so you'll have to stand way behind me.

Sincerely, Ross Perot