The name game

National Review, Oct 20, 2008 by Richard Brookhiser

EXPERIENCE has been an issue in this presidential election, but it didn't have to be. We have a number of former presidents right here, in the New York phone book.

There are, for example, three George Washingtons, one listed as George J. (there is also a G. Washington, who may be hiding his light under a bushel). Now since His Excellency served two full terms, there might be questions about re--re--electing him, given the 22nd Amendment. Yet that amendment had a Truman waiver, exempting "any person" holding the office "when this Article was proposed by the Congress," or when it "becomes operative." Surely Truman's predecessors would be exempt as well. Herbert Hoover was still alive when the 22nd Amendment became the law of the land--he would have had to win a second term, of course, before he could think of a third--and it would not be beyond the powers of the Supreme Court to give a pass to dead presidents, who nevertheless seem to be alive and well in Manhattan.

Every presidential surname can be found in our phone book. Most of these surnames are from the British Isles-- English, Scotch--Irish, Irish, Scots (Hayes), Welsh (Jefferson--"from near the mountain of Snowdon," he wrote in his autobiography). Despite the tides of immigration, these ethnicities, after centuries of reproduction, are still well represented in the United States, and most of the surnames that got all the way to the White House would likely be found in any large American city (black Americans tend to share these surnames, which increases the odds). But even the rarish WASPy monickers--Coolidge, Fillmore, Garfield--make it here, as do the ethnics --Hoover, Roosevelt, Van Buren. Martin Van Buren may indeed be our most ethnic president, since he is the only one whose first language was not English. But because of his and New York's common Dutch past, there are fourteen Van Burens here, plus four Van Beurens and one Van Burren. The only surname you have to fudge is Eisenhower, which squeezes in courtesy of Eric Eisenhauer.

Matching full names is harder. Begin by throwing out the false positives--the Theodore Roosevelt Birthplace National Historic Site, the Harry S Truman Democratic Club, the Office of William Jefferson Clinton (a sublet from Charlie Rangel?). There are two columns of Hayeses, but no Rutherfords; three columns of Grants, but not one Ulysses. Only Haitians are named Ulysses these days. Not a lot of children have been christened Chester, Grover, or Woodrow recently. Abraham is enjoying a comeback, as a kind of green and sustainable name. Go to a playground where none of the little boys have haircuts and all the nannies have children named Ulysses, shout "Abraham!" and see how many look up. But the Lincolns go from Christopher to Veronica, Abeless. James is a perennial favorite, yet the Buchanans, Anita to Zerline, pass it by. So we can't draft the best president or the worst. The Nixons include Seneya and Tisbie, but no Richard. No chance to forge a New Majority GOP.

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You may choose from one each of James Monroe, John Tyler, James Polk, James Garfield, William McKinley, Herbert Hoover, and Gerald Ford. If protecting the hemisphere, annexing Texas, and feeding Belgium are your priorities, these are your men. Be warned: They carry a high risk of assassination, or assassination attempts. There is also one Franklin D. Roosevelt Jr., who must be some sort of relative; FDR's son and namesake, a moderately unsuccessful New York politician, died in 1988. This seems like another false positive, yet why? Kinship boosted the chances of John Quincy Adams, Benjamin Harrison, and W.--to say nothing of the first FDR, fifth cousin of TR. The high hurdle of the odd first name is also just cleared by one Zach Taylor, and one Frank Pierce. There are two Andrew Jacksons, two William Tafts--I do not vouch for middle names--and two George Bushes. Three William Harrisons are ready to serve, which is nice, since the first one died after only a month in office. Johnsons cover three and a half pages of the phone book, of whom no fewer than five are Andrews; most historians would say that one Andrew Johnson was more than enough. There is no Lyndon, however, though there is a Luiz. There are six James Carters, which recalls the insulting formality of the old Pravda, flagging him as a tool of the bourgeoisie despite the peanut shells in his pants pockets. There is almost a page of Adamses, including Adams's Sensual Whips (we shall walk in Cupid's grove together, indeed). Eight of the Adamses are Johns. These too may be descendants, since there are many in the land. The rangers at the Adams National Historical Park in Quincy tell me that when they show up and stand by one of the old portraits, the resemblance is freakish; that nose and forehead have beaten every gene they have come up against. The eight John Adamses are outnumbered only by the nine John Kennedys.

That is a lot to choose from, yet there are still gaps. The Madison name has had a good run here: Madison Avenue, Madison Square Garden, the Madison Cigarette Store, and the Madison Qi Gong Center, yet no James. There is an Alexander Hamilton, so most of the Federalist can be rewritten. There are nine McCains, plus one McCaine and three McKains variously punctuated), but no Johns, and no Obamas at all, disregarding Obama for America. We have but two Palins, neither of them Sarah, and no Bidens, passing directly from M. Bidelstach to Burt Biderman.