The long view

National Review, Jan 26, 2004

Bush v. Dean,

throughout the ages ...

FADE IN:

Interior--Camp David-day

President George W. Bush sits on a sofa, watching football and eating tortilla chips. Karl Rove enters, carrying a small bowl of avocado dip.

ROVE

Mr. President, do you have a moment?

PRESIDENT BUSH

Did you bring me some more dip?

ROVE

Got it right here.

PRESIDENT BUSH

Then I guess I've got a minute. What's up?

ROVE

Well, sir, as you know, it's looking highly likely that Governor Howard

Dean of Vermont--

PRESIDENT BUSH

The little guy, the one with the ... (HE SQUINCHES HIS FACE UP)

ROVE

No, sir. That's Dennis Kucinich. Howard Dean is the former governor of Vermont.

PRESIDENT BUSH

Not the Ichabod Crane guy?

ROVE

That's Kerry.

PRESIDENT BUSH

Pumpkin head kind of thing?

ROVE

Gephardt.

PRESIDENT BUSH

Drawing a blank here.

ROVE

(SHOWING A PHOTO)

He looks like this.

PRESIDENT BUSH

(STARING AT PHOTO)

Hmmmmmm.

ROVE

Does he look familiar to you, sir? Because he seems awfully angry at you--and I guess we're all wondering if it's, maybe, some kind of personal thing, from when you were both back at Yale, or a family thing, or something?

PRESIDENT BUSH

(WATCHING THE TELEVISION)

Not ringing a bell, gotta tell you.

Rove stands in front of the President, trying to get his attention and blocking the television.

ROVE

Are you sure, sir?

PRESIDENT BUSH

Sure I'm sure. Now get out of the TV road.

Rove exits, leaving the photo on the coffee table. President Bush stares at it for a moment, thinking, remembering ...

DISSOLVE TO:

Exterior--Old Campus, Yale University 1967--Night

A circle of college men, surrounding a few freshmen. They're standing next to Durfee Hall, holding a giant beer bong that extends down from a fourth floor window. A young freshman totters around drunkenly. The crowd laughs.

YOUNG GEORGE BUSH

(LAUGHING)

Okay, freshmen! Who's next? How about you?

He points to a young-looking freshman, in a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

YOUNG HOWARD DEAN

No, thank you. I prefer not to.

YOUNG GEORGE BUSH

You prefer--what? C'mon! Chug! Chug!

The crowd erupts into chants of "chug, chug, chug, chug!"

YOUNG HOWARD DEAN

No! No, I won't! I don't want to become tipsy and disoriented.

YOUNG GEORGE BUSH

What's your name, kid?

YOUNG HOWARD DEAN

I'm Howard Dean!

YOUNG GEORGE BUSH

I'm George Bush. Put 'er there ...

He holds out his hand.

YOUNG HOWARD DEAN

I won't shake your hand, George Bush! Not after what your grandmother said to my grandmother on her wedding day, you brute!

YOUNG GEORGE BUSH

You wanna do a beer bong or not, kid?

YOUNG HOWARD DEAN

It was long ago, perhaps, but the sting remains ...

DISSOLVE TO:

Exterior--East Hampton Lawn 1916--Day

Brilliant sunshine. An impossibly blue sky. WE PAN across a lawn decorated for a wedding. An orchestra tunes up in the background. Guests mingle in seersucker and silk. Champagne corks pop.

YOUNG HOWARD DEAN (VOICEOVER)

It should have been my grandmother's happiest day ...

THE CAMERA MOVES into a magnificent mansion, INTO THE HALLWAY, UP THE STAIRS, we GLIDE ALONG to a room. Two women, the bride and the bridesmaid, are getting ready for the ceremony. The bride puts the finishing touches on her dress. She turns, eyes wide and filled with nervous excitement, to her bridesmaid.

BRIDE

How do I look?

BRIDESMAID

Honestly? I think with your hair like that you look a little ... well ... I'm sorry to say but you look just a very little bit Irish.

The bride bursts into hysterical sobs.

DISSOLVE TO:

Exterior--Old Campus, Yale University 1967--Night

YOUNG HOWARD DEAN

... my grandmother never recovered from that insult. And that's why I swore an oath to hate all the Bushes, forever and ever. Now do you understand why I ...

He looks up to see that the crowd has moved on. Another freshman is in the circle. The group is chanting "chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!" as he finishes. Young George Bush looks up, sees Young Howard Dean, and says . . .

YOUNG GEORGE BUSH

Hey, kid, how about you next? What's your name again?

Young Howard Dean glowers with rage ...

DISSOLVE TO:

Interior--Camp David--Night

President George W. Bush looks at the photo of Gov. Howard Dean quizzically, trying to place the face. He thinks. Then, slowly, it dawns on him ...

PRESIDENT BUSH

Did I buy a car from that guy once?

FADE OUT.