The Long View

National Review, Oct 27, 2003 by Rob Long

Transcript from Larry King Live, November 11, 2003

larry king: "You're on the air with the winners of the 2003 World Series, the Boston Red Sox! Hello!"

caller: "Is it me?"

larry king: "What's your question, caller?"

caller: "I'm just . . . I just . . . I need to know if I'm awake and it's really after the World Series and the Red Sox have really won, or if I'm asleep and just dreaming that they've won."

larry king: "Which is it, guys?"

pedro martinez: "It's hard for us to say, Larry, with any certainty. I mean, if this was some kind of dream, then wouldn't the caller know it? He'd be smelling toast or coffee right now, in that, like, middle part between-"

johnny damon: "What sleep researchers call 'the half-consciousness,' I believe."

pedro martinez: "Right, right. Thanks, Johnny."

johnny damon: "Anytime, bud. But caller, are you there?"

caller: "Yeah."

johnny damon: "Do you think you're asleep?"

caller: "Well, it's just that . . . no offense . . . it's just that I'm a lifelong Red Sox fan, okay, and, I mean, the idea that you guys won the World Series . . . it's just . . . I mean, it's hard to-"

larry king: "We get the picture, caller. Guys, is there anything you can do to help the caller out?"

pedro martinez: "No, Larry, sorry. That would violate the psychological rules of dream logic."

larry king: "So this is a dream?"

johnny damon: "Not necessarily. It could simply be a glimpse into an alternate reality."

larry king: "A parallel universe? The occult?"

manny ramirez: "Not necessarily. It could be an alternate universe in which the things you wish would happen actually happen. Medieval scholars often postulated the existence of such a place."

larry king: "You're talking about Fantasyland?"

johnny damon: "Perhaps."

caller: "So, the Red Sox have won the World Series?"

larry king: "In Fantasyland."

caller: "I'll take that."

larry king: "Tomorrow night, the whole hour with Al Franken to discuss his new book, I Guess I Was Wrong About a Lot of Stuff, I'm Sorry, and I'm Going to Shut Up Now."

caller: "Well, I guess that proves it."

Transcript from Larry King Live, November 12, 2003

larry king: "We're here with Maureen Dowd and Paul Krugman! Hello, guys."

dowd and krugman: "Hi, Larry."

larry king: "I say 'guys,' but the truth is, you're a woman, right?"

dowd: "That's correct, Larry."

larry king: "And you're not."

krugman: "Correct. Correct."

larry king: "Is the caller there?"

caller: "Is it me?"

larry king: "What's your question, caller?"

caller: "Well, I guess I wanted to know if you or your guests had an opinion about whether this is all really happening, and Maureen Dowd and Paul Krugman have recently admitted that their columns for the New York Times are gratuitously error-filled and flatulent, or if, maybe, I'm asleep and dreaming."

larry king: "Didn't you call yesterday?"

caller: "I think it was yesterday. I don't really know."

larry king: "I don't know if we can help you, caller."

dowd: "Wait a minute, Larry. This is an interesting question. I mean, on the one hand, it's clear that Paul and I are symbols of the decline of the New York Times. Our columns are pompous and geriatric-"

krugman: "Well, to be fair, Maureen, my columns are pompous and geriatric. Yours are childish and incoherent."

dowd: "Point taken, Paul."

krugman: "But to pursue your point, I think what Maureen is getting at, caller, is that while our writing betrays a kind of slapdash lack of insight and a ludicrously predictable parroting of bien pensant nonsense, it's unlikely that two such clownishly self-satisfied grandees would ever admit it."

dowd: "That's a great insight, Paul."

krugman: "Thanks, Maureen."

dowd: "I guess what Paul is saying, caller, is that you must be dreaming."

caller: "Yeah, I thought so."

larry king: "If you'll permit me, caller, to ask: What else is going on in your life right now?"

caller: "Well, a few minutes ago I was running in the sand. And then before that I was trying to open a package that I knew had something cool in it but for some reason I couldn't open the package."

larry king: "Interesting."

caller: "I've got to go now, Larry. My third-grade teacher wants to give me a sensual massage."

larry king: "Tomorrow night, the whole hour with Emperor Hirohito!"

Transcript from Larry King Live, November 13, 2003

larry king: "Is the caller there?"

caller: "I'm here, Larry. I've got a question for your guest."

larry king: "Well, as you know, caller, my guest has taken a ten-year vow of silence. She's just here really to prove her commitment to that. So you can ask her a yes-or-no question only, and she'll answer by nodding. Is that okay, caller?"

caller: "That's fine."

larry king: "What's your question?"

caller: "I'd like to ask Arianna if she's really taken a ten-year vow of silence, or if I'm dreaming."

larry king: "Didn't you call yesterday?"

caller: "I don't really know."

larry king: "Arianna's nodding."

caller: "To which question? Am I dreaming? Did she take a vow of silence? I need to know."

larry king: "Can't you just enjoy it while it lasts?"

caller: "Do you hear music?"