Letter From Al - if Donald Trump were to seek a First Lady - Brief Article

National Review, Nov 8, 1999

Dear Gwyneth:

You are a diamond. You are completely and totally 100 percent class, and I know class. You are so completely and totally classy, Gwyneth, that you deserve more than a "Paltrow" or an "Affleck" after your name. What you deserve is to be called what is recognized around the world as a trademark of distinction, graciousness, and exclusivity.

You should be called "Trump." As in, "Mrs. Trump." As in, "The First Lady of the United States, Mrs. Donald J. Trump."

As you know, I am considering very carefully the concept of a Trump Presidency(tm). In order to give the American people the grand class leadership they deserve, I plan to take a wife.

The deal points are as follows:

1. The marriage is to last the entire eight-year duration of the Trump Presidency(tm) (TP).

2. Standard prenuptial agreements in force: Cash payment at the end of the TP to total not more than $25 million.

3. 100 percent sexual fidelity for the duration of TP, provided services for same are rendered on an as-needed basis.

4. Weight and/or physical appearance to remain substantially similar to present conditions, i.e. weight to remain within a 2.5-pound range taking as a baseline unclothed weight upon rising in the morning; physical appearance (hair color, teeth color, wardrobe selection) to remain unchanged throughout TP. NB: Weight requirements apply to First Lady ONLY.

It's very much a win-win situation. The country gets a world class First Lady on the arm of its world- class President (myself), and you get me. We all win.

Please contact me directly, or my representatives, to get into this.

The Donald

Dear Gwyneth:

Don't treat me like a schmuck, okay? I have been totally and completely 100 percent upfront with you, I have put what I think is a superb offer on the table, and to date neither I nor any of my representatives have heard from you.

Was that my final offer? Of course it wasn't. But any deal must have two interested parties, and I cannot comprehend why an individual such as yourself would refuse to negotiate with an individual such as my organization.

To be totally frank and candid, some of the luster has gone out of the diamond. I am taking your silence in regard to my offer as a form of hardball. I am considering other properties. Overtures have been made to the First Lady of American Music, Miss Mariah Carey, and to the First Lady of American Television, Miss Neve Campbell.

What I am offering is very much a Princess Grace-type situation. Movie star becomes royalty, the whole bit. What you are offering is your deluxe physical appearance. Why are we not making this happen?

The offer expires at close of business Friday.

Donald

Dear Ivana:

When can we get together, as two old friends, and talk things over? I think about you all the time, Ivana. I think about the time we spent together, our beautiful children, and the totally 100 percent first class way you have of carrying yourself.

As I know you know, I am seriously considering the ramifications of a Trump Presidency(tm). The whole idea of a TP, if you'll cast your mind back, was yours, Ivana. At that time, you saw something in me-a power, a whole-leadership aura, and a greatness-that very few people excepting myself had ever known was present.

What I am offering is a re-partnership. It would be nothing short of world-shattering. It would be Bogie and Bacall. Taylor and Burton. Trump and Trump.

You were always special to me, Ivana, and I know that you know that. Please give this your 100 percent attention. Let me know by lunchtime Friday.

The D

Dear Gwyneth:

You know what? The deal is off the table. Best of luck in your future endeavors.

Donald J. Trump