The Long View - political satire

National Review, Nov 11, 2002 by Rob Long

--Transcript from Larry King Live, November 12th, 2003:

larry king: Wilmington, Delaware! You're on with former North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il.

caller: Oh, hi.

kim jong il: Hello, caller. I recently visited the Barnes & Noble bookstore in Wilmington and I enjoyed my stay very much. It is a very beautiful place.

caller: Thank you!

larry king: What's your question?

caller: I just want to know how he decided to give up power in North Korea and leave peacefully. Also, I want to know if that's a mousse or a gel in his hair. I have a lot of Asian-American friends and they have a hard time getting that kind of lift from their hair, so maybe Kim has some tips for them.

larry king: What about it, Kim?

kim jong il: It's just a natural wave. I use no special product.

caller: Oh.

larry king: And what about the other thing?

kim jong il: Oh, that. Yes, well, I realized that if I stayed in power, eventually the Americans would invade and there would be a war and I would be killed.

larry king: Along with millions of your countrymen.

kim jong il: Well, yes, that too. So when the offer came from Simon & Schuster it just seemed like the right thing to do at the right time.

larry king: Do you miss it?

kim jong il: Not really. Oh, sure, I miss the parades and the giant pictures of me and seeing my head everywhere in stone and stuff.

larry king: And the ladies?

kim jong il: Very different situation these days, let me tell you. Much better to be a Dear Leader than just some schmo on a book tour.

larry king: We're on with Kim Jong Il! Tomorrow, the whole hour with funnyman Charlie Callas!

--Transcript from Good Day Little Rock! With Bill Clinton and Anne HeHeche, December 3rd, 2003:

bill clinton: . . . just delicious! Just absolutely delicious. And what do you call it?

kim jong il: Kimchee.

anne heche: Kim whaaa?

[audience laughter]

kim jong il: Kimchee. It's a kind of Korean snack.

bill clinton: Man, it's good. And so what is it?

kim jong il: Well, it's really not just one thing. Kimchee refers to an assortment of pickled and preserved dishes-cabbage, garlic, radishes . . .

bill clinton: Not great for the breath, huh?

[audience laughter]

kim jong il: I'm sorry?

bill clinton: All that cabbage and garlic, I mean, not great for the breath.

kim jong il: Oh yes. I understand. Of course, in the People's Republic, we were not so concerned with such things. Our main concern was to preserve the shining example of my father, the Great Leader, Kim Il Sung, and his triumphant quest to create a nation of harmonious workers and peasants.

anne heche: I love your eyewear.

kim jong il: Thank you.

anne heche: Isn't it great, folks?

[audience applause]

anne heche: I just love how square and geometric it is!

kim jong il: As you can see, I have a round face. So I chose a frame that would offset that.

anne heche: Great choice! I wish more men would pay attention to details like that. But can I be honest? I'm not crazy about the jumpsuit.

kim jong il: You don't like it? It's very comfortable.

bill clinton: It looks comfortable. Do they make them in a 48?

kim jong il: I don't know. I can call my jumpsuit guy and ask.

bill clinton: Better make that a 50, with all the kimchee I'm eating! This stuff is fabulous!

--Transcript from The O'Reilly Factor, December 12th, 2003:

o'reilly: . . . in your book, and I'm quoting you now, in your book A Boy Named Kim you say, "I looked into Jimmy Carter's eyes and I told him we'd stop building nukes, and I knew then that I was lying, that I would continue to build nukes, continue to arm my country, and continue to threaten my neighbors." Mr. Kim, why should anyone, any American, forgive you for that?

kim jong il: Well, Bill, you're taking that way out of context-

o'reilly: What context? Come off it, Mr. Kim!

kim jong il: -yes, okay, I lied to Jimmy Carter. But at the time, Mr. O'Reilly-

o'reilly: You just admitted it! You admit you lied!

kim jong il: -but at the time, if I can finish, can I finish, please? At the time, I didn't think it was such a big deal to lie to Jimmy Carter. To be honest, I didn't really know who Jimmy Carter was. I thought I was just having a meet-'n'-greet with a visiting delegation from the American Communist Party-

o'reilly: Oh come on! Oh come on!

kim jong il: No, you come on! I mean, the idiotic smile, the way he pretended that the hotel was just as good as one in New York, the way he said that the department store we set up reminded him of the Wal- Mart in Americus, Georgia, the way he looked entertained by the four- hour dance recital, the sandals . . . I mean, it's an easy mistake to make.

o'reilly: You're a criminal, Mr. Kim! An international criminal!

kim jong il: I wasn't really going to use any of it! I just wanted it!

o'reilly: For what? To kill Americans, Mr. Kim?

kim jong il: Haven't you ever done something to get attention, Bill? Haven't you ever been so, just so freakin' against the wall that you do something stupid just to break out of-

o'reilly: Now the psychobabble! This is a no-spin zone, Mr. Kim. You wanted the bombs so you could drop them on-