Letter from Al - political humor - Brief Article

National Review, Nov 20, 2000

Dear Bill,

I just got off the phone with Podesta, and he tells me that you never received any of my notes, or the voice mails that I sent, or anything, and I'm just sick about it. Just sick.

This would not have happened if you had e-mail. But we've been around and around on this topic and I know it upsets you when I bring it up, so I'm not going to bring it up again.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is that I've been writing and calling for weeks-weeks!-asking for advice, campaign strategy, personal appearances, whatever, you name it, I've asked for it-and I never heard back. Not a word, not a peep.

It was like my first year at Harvard all over again, when I sent daily letters to Dad and received pretty much the same response I got-or, I thought I got-from you. And then I got mad at you for not responding to me and then you got mad at me and then we were both mad at each other over a simple communication problem.

So let me just summarize what I've been trying to say to you these past few months. I would love your help in this very close, very important campaign. I think you know what I said about you that terrible day when the impeachment articles were passed by the House, and that thing that I said is still very much the way I still think, most of the time.

Time, of course, is of the essence. If there's two of us, isn't it more efficient NOT to appear together?

What I'm thinking is that maybe you could do some stuff in the Philadelphia metro area. And the Detroit metro area. And the St. Louis metro area. My feeling is that the metro areas have the greatest concentration of voters most receptive to a "Bill Clinton" pitch. And I mean that with the greatest respect, as that thing that I said about you that day they impeached you will attest to.

So, in closing, let me just say that I would be happy to have your support and help in these crucial last days, in the aforementioned metro areas.

--Al

Hey Mom!

Thanks a mill for helping out in some of those tough-nut states. Man! Wish Jeb had his act together down in Florida. But appreciate your help in calming down the blue-hairs.

Swinging for the fence out in California. Probably won't win it, but meanwhile I'm messing up Al's plans for his last week. One word: head fake!

Some possibility, I'm told, that the people's vote and the electrical college could go different ways. Something like, I win one way, he wins the other. Or he wins one way, and I win the other. There's like, a million possibilities. My advice to myself is to just do my thing.

Trying to stay positive. Trying not to run a negative, incisive campaign. It's hard, though. He's got Ed Asner on the blower calling up folks in swing states saying I'm rotten this and bad that. He's got the NAACP running sicko ads about me-and you know the damnedest thing is I went to their thing last summer and gave 'em my compassion thing and now I get this thing all over the airwaves in my thing? Don't need the aggravation. Do not need the aggravation.

Plus which the polls look good. I'm way ahead among the likable voters, which is an added plus. Doing okay with the college kids, doing okay with the married women, doing great with the guys, which is pretty much the story of my life when you get right down to it. Most of the polls have me ahead, and within the margin of error, which is that underlined plus sign next to the "47" or the "48" after my name when they put up the poll numbers on the news shows. Speaking of which, you know who's cute? Paula Zahn. Paula Zahn is cute. Just saying, is all.

But I'm confident, Mom. Upbeat. Feel like I'm gonna win. Because you know why? Because this is America! The voters add up the pluses and the cons, and then vote for the guy they think is the most meretricious.

Hope it's me!

Love,

W.