The Long View - satirical poem about House of Saud - Poem

National Review, Dec 23, 2002 by Rob Long

From the House of Saud to You

Greetings, Friends!
Some of you may think it's odd
To get a Christmas Poem from the House of Saud.
But we're for real -- don't be cynical!
Don't be (oh, let's say it!) so rabbinical!
Christmas is a time of joy,
And PR campaigns to employ.
We're not so bad. We're not so weird.
Only some of us wear a creepy beard.
The rest of us are like the guy next door.
Why, we could all work at a convenience store!
But no! You see us in our desert apparel
And instantly think, "What's the price per barrel?"
We used to be friends! We used to be pals!
There's even a McDonald's in Al-Akwaqsal.
And a shiny new mall with a Fendi and Gap
And a food court with a Chili's with nothing on tap.
You see? We're a lot like you, but with oil and sand
(And yes, if you steal, we'll chop off your hand,
And the ladies aren't so much "married" as
 "purchased" and "owned,"
If your wife wears lipstick she'll be publicly stoned,
Or whipped or beheaded if she looks at some guys
Or gives money to those with terrorist ties --
Well, not that.) We're not all nasty and mean,
We want to be friends. But it remains to be seen
Whether you do or not. Do you? We're waiting
For you to stop the mean comments and the
 "towel-head" baiting
And the "unimpressed with their help" from
 "White House sources"
And the kicking our kids out of flight-training
 courses --
All of that stuff counts, it adds up (do you hear?)
To a too-expensive-to-drive Jeep Grand Wagoneer.
No! No! These are not threats of reprisal!
(Why, we've been allies since way back under Jolly
 King Faisal!)
This is what friends do: We remind, we face facts,
And very occasionally sponsor a few terrorist acts,
But basically, down deep, we're good people, you
 know,
Who every now and then have to put on a show
And pretend -- just pretend -- to deeply abhor you,
While way behind scenes we're secretly for you.
It's not really so strange. Haven't you ever paid
For something that truly makes you dismayed?
Have you ever written a big college check
To pay for some brat to learn truckloads of dreck
About recycling and Chile and world domination
And Marx and Sontag and girl masturbation?
It's like that for us. You're like us too.
We'd like it to stop, but what can you do?
So let's put it aside, agree to agree
(It'll all be okay, just wait and you'll see).
Rather than grab each other by the short and the
 curly,
Just learn to get to the airport six hours early.
And don't hate us for sponsoring nefarious causes,
Just think of us as postmodern desert Santa Clauses,
Who bring good and bad, sometimes toys, sometimes
 coals --
And not in a sled but in a shiny white Rolls.
So let's be friends again! Let's put it behind us,
And know that the New Year will surely find us
Back together like always. Just think outside the box!
Between friends what's a little -- okay, a lot -- of
 smallpox?

So a Merry Christmas! A toast to the season!
A friendly greeting! No special reason!
To our friends in America, the U. S. of A. --
Our wish on this and every day
Is for peace and happiness and great good news
To each of you, all of you. (Except for the Jews.)