Notes & Asides

National Review, Feb 24, 2003 by William F. Buckley, Jr.

-- Dear Bill: I know you are going to be surprised to get a letter from me. I am not asking you for money or a free subscription to National Review, which I can pick up for free at LaGuardia Airport when taking the shuttle.

Bear with me. I received a letter offering me a free trip anywhere on the Sea Mariner, which was going on a world cruise.

I said I wanted to go to Tahiti, and they said, "Bill Buckley has that leg tied up." A month later I got a call: "Do you still want to go to Tahiti?"

I said, "Did Buckley fink out on you?"

"Something like that. But since you have similar names, they will think Buckley was you, and vice versa."

So I took the offer, and they sent me the brochure for the suites, which cost anywhere from $175,000 to $90,000 for people on welfare.

It suddenly dawned on me that most or all of the passengers who could afford such a cruise would be conservative Republicans, and that is why you were the Mariner's first choice.

Now my question is, if I am you then I have to pretend I am on the right. Or should I admit that I am flying under false colors and am really a bleeding-heart liberal?

If I don't give Trent Lott the benefit of the doubt and say that I don't want to go to war unilaterally with Iraq, will the irate voyagers throw me into the sea?

So I am writing to you for guidance. How do you think I should I play it?

Bob Novak said he would tutor me in right-wing language, but I told him you were my mentor.

Art Buchwald

Washington, D.C.

--Dear Art: That's not easy to do. You have to get it just right, or the ship will veer off course and take you to the South Pole. We give quick courses at National Review, and you'll sound like Goldwater (1 hour), Reagan (2 hours), or Milton Friedman (3 hours). Remember to have the latest copy of National Review in your pocket when you walk out of your suite. NR is buoyant, so if they toss you overboard, you will float. Have a great sail, and tell them to send the difficult questions to us.

Ever your obliging mentor,

Bill

-- Dear Mr. Buckley: Will you please report to the International Criminal Court at The Hague.

You are to be charged with the following crimes against humanity: the purchase and consumption of red meat, possession of a firearm, heterosexual thoughts of a carnal nature, ownership of a 4 x 4, the possession and use of tobacco, politically incorrect speech, and other crimes to be determined by the court.

Have a nice day.

Basil Riverdale

Santa Fe, N.M.

--Dear Mr. Riverdale: How can I possibly have a nice day with these charges looming?!

Cordially, WFB

-- Dear Mr. Buckley: Please settle this question concerning the correct Latin pronunciation: In the Apostles' Creed, should Pilate's name be pronounced "Pon-tee-us" or, as most Catholics say, "Pon-chaw-us"?

Dave Huskin

Englewood, Colo.

--Dear Mr. Huskin: My ear (and training) tells me that a diphthong grew out of the spelling, whence "Pon-chuss." But I don't think you'd be arrested for pronouncing the alternative.

Cordially, WFB

-- Dear Mr. Buckley: A group of Marine Corps privates is having lunch. Pvt. Jones asks Pvt. Smith, "How much does he owe you?" The Master Sgt. enters the room, everyone leaps to attention, but Pvt. Smith belatedly answers, "Nothing." The Master Sgt. confronts Pvt. Walsh with "Did you say that?" Would a proper response be "Sir, I didn't say nothing, Sir"?

Peter W. Herrick

Ipswich, Mass.

--Dear Mr. Herrick: No. It would be proper if he said, "Sir, I didn't say 'nothing,' Sir."

Cordially,

-WFB