The Long View - memo outlines rules for employees of the White House - Brief Article

National Review, April 2, 2001 by Rob Long

The White House

Washington, D.C.

MEMORANDUM

To: All White House personnel

From: Andrew Card, Chief of Staff

RE: Some additional workplace

regulations

The President has asked me to thank all of you for making our first 60 days in office such a historic success. Your hard work and dedication are truly appreciated.

As you know, the President has made it clear that his working style, while casual, is quite strict about things like punctuality, proper dress, and maintaining the kind of dignified tone that the White House deserves.

In addition to the previously referenced rules, some additional issues have arisen, and the President has asked me to convey to you the following:

1. By now, the President has presented all of you with nicknames. Please use them to identify yourself to him in the future. It will not be enough to say, for instance, "Hello, Mr. President, I'm your Deputy Undersecretary of Agriculture." Instead, you are requested to say, "Hello, Mr. President, I'm Mojo Jojo, from Ag."

2. Members of the staff will designate a "Cheney Buddy" for each meeting attended by the Vice President. The "Buddy" will monitor the Vice President for a sudden, increased bluish tint to his skin. The "Buddy" will report the change in tint to the Secret Service agent in charge of defibrillation.

3. As most of you know, the President insists that meetings begin on time-or even a bit early-and that they end just as promptly. To facilitate this directive, the President has instructed me to ask the White House Usher to ensure that each meeting room be equipped with one chair fewer than necessary. Latecomers, obviously, will be required to stand. Repeated latecomers will report to the President for nickname removal and/or adjustment.

4. Pretzels, nuts, salty snacks, and any foodstuffs containing trans- fatty acids are prohibited from being served to the Vice President. Anyone breaking this important rule will be in SERIOUS disciplinary trouble. Please note that the Secretary of the Treasury and the Director of the Secret Service are currently reviewing White House security tapes to discover who replaced the Vice President's supply of Egg Beaters(tm) and Sizzlean(tm) with actual eggs and bacon. This act, however well-meaning, is being treated as an assassination attempt.

5. Please bear in mind, during your INFREQUENT encounters with the White House Press Corps, that providing colorful quotes, interesting anecdotes, and insightful analysis is STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. The President provides the colorful anecdote when deemed necessary. Any encroachment on this privilege will result in the loss of your nickname for not less than nine months.

6. Nicknames are not transferable. If you are unhappy with your nickname, or have a preferred alternate, please SEE ME. Please note that our President does not think of terms such as "Stinky" and "Bellyboy" as negative per se.

7. All videotapes taken from the movie library MUST be rewound FULLY. The President primarily enjoys only the first ten minutes of most movies-the section where, traditionally, action/suspense sequences unfold without the benefit of dialogue and/or characterization-and he finds it tiresome to wait for the tape to rewind, or, worse, to begin watching the movie after the by-the-book cop and the do-anything-gonzo cop have been forced to work together by their gruff African-American supervisor.

8. While we recognize that some of you do, in fact, have naturally twinkling eyes, it would be preferable if those of you who are able to regulate your eye-twinkling would do so. As you know, the President is an inveterate eye-twinkler-this skill has been most effective during our recent "charm offensive"-and we all believe that an excess of eye- twinkling charm amongst the staff might diminish his effectiveness. For further guidelines on moderating your personal charm, please see the attached sheet, "The Rumsfeld Model."

9. Quiet, measured tones must be maintained during all meetings which are attended by Vice President Cheney. Repeated ballpoint-pen clicking, binder-ring snapping, sudden sneezing, and alarming hand gestures are STRICTLY FORBIDDEN, as is suddenly appearing around a corner just as he's coming from the other direction, knocking loudly on his office door while he's absorbed in his reading, or sneaking up behind him and saying hi when he's not aware that you're there.

Thank you all for your prompt attention to this matter. As I said, the first 60 days have been an eventful period. Only by working as a team can we ensure that the remaining 2,860 aren't.