The Long View - humorous scenarios involving presidential succession - Brief Article

National Review, April 8, 2002 by Rob Long

Presidential Succession: A Constitutional Guide

"I am in control here," former Secretary of State Al Haig famously declared, hours after his boss, President Ronald Reagan, was wounded by a would-be assassin. Haig touched off a firestorm of confusion that exists to this day-who, really, is in charge when the President is incapacitated, or worse? What would happen if large parts of our government were crippled (or entirely destroyed) by a terrorist's action? Under which constitutional circumstances would, say, a Secretary of Veterans Affairs (whose name escapes me at present) become Commander in Chief?

So, herewith, a guide.

Scenario I

A terrorist attack on Washington, D.C., fells the President, his chief Cabinet officers, and, oddly, Lee Greenwood, the country singer and composer of "God Bless the U.S.A." As Secret Service agents rush to the "undisclosed location" to escort the Vice President to the White House for his swearing-in, the Speaker of the House and the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, both of whom are assuming operational control, gather in the Oval Office with their respective advisers to discuss fabrics, sofa groupings, and changes in the White House movie schedule. As the Vice President-now, constitutionally, the President-speeds to the White House, tensions rise as both the Speaker and President Pro Tem bicker over who gets to put his photos on the credenza behind the desk. The bickering erupts into fisticuffs, and as the new President arrives, he is hit with a flying Jefferson cup, which causes a fatal heart attack. The Speaker and the President Pro Tem are arrested. Result: The presidential line of succession goes directly to the Secretary of Veterans Affairs (whose name escapes me at present).

Scenario II

A bio-terror attack during the State of the Union takes out the entire federal government except for Dick Gephardt, who, because of his fully amphibious nature, is immune to the toxin. Gephardt assumes the presidency, but the constitutionality of that move is questioned by eight state attorneys general. The issue is thrown to the Supreme Court, which cannot hear the case because there are no surviving Justices, nor is there a Senate to confirm new ones. Result: The presidential line of succession goes directly to Scott Baio, former child star of "Joanie Loves Chachi" and "Charles in Charge."

Scenario III

Iraq develops a powerful knockout gas that causes the entire judicial and executive branches of the federal government to fall into a deep sleep. Only the legislative branch is unaffected. Bitter partisan fighting quickly develops as the two houses of Congress try to fill positions in the "sleeping branches" with temporary replacements. Network news anchors, the editorial boards of The New York Times and The Washington Post, and the Faculty Senate of the Kennedy School of Government are called in to arbitrate. The President wakes just in time to prevent the swearing in of Acting President James Jeffords and Acting Vice President Strobe Talbott. Result: No constitutionally mandated change in leadership, but a very close call.

Scenario IV

At a large state dinner, the "Lavar las Manos" sign is inadvertently knocked down from above the bathroom sink. As a result, many of the servers and food-handlers quickly forget to perform that most crucial action after using the bathroom. Several hours after the dinner, two- thirds of the federal government is incapacitated by severe gastro- intestinal distress. For eight days, all Cabinet officers and their deputies, as well as the entire leadership of both houses of Congress, cannot perform any official duties. Result: The GDP rises one full percentage point, unemployment dips below 4 percent, and the Dow tops 12,000. No constitutional change in leadership, so it doesn't really belong here. Still, it's nice to think about, isn't it?

Scenario V

Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao is possessed of a cobra demon, while a bizarre genetic experiment gives Secretary of State Colin Powell super- elastic arms and legs. A terrorist attack takes out most of the government, except for Cobra Demon Girl, fighting for the forces of evil, and the Stretcher, who uses his super-elastic powers to fight Cobra Demon Girl's plans for world domination. Result: The presidential line of succession goes directly to Scott Baio, former child star of "Joanie Loves Chachi" and "Charles in Charge."

Please clip this guide and keep it in your wallet for handy reference in the event of a terrorist disruption.