An Army That Drawls: Johnny Reb goes to Iraq, and everywhere else

National Review, May 5, 2003 by Dave Shiflett

Midlothian, Va.

War is indeed hell, as many a poor Iraqi regular has learned over the past weeks. The Hussein family has found out, too. Could be that Uday and Qusay resemble pate these days, along with the old man -- and good riddance.

War may be hell, but here in the South, there's a special appreciation for it, and for warriors. The largest pro-war rallies were said to be held in southern cities; by one account Houston's topped the chart with 10,000 celebrants. More to the point, many southerners assume they are considered first among equals when it comes time to draw the sabers. When it comes to war, and indeed all things military, they enjoy heightened respect.

Of this there is no doubt. The southern drawl, after all, is hardly the preferred accent in most professions. A brilliant academic vying for the presidency of an Ivy League school faces a massive hurdle if he sounds like Gomer Pyle. The same is true for Southrons seeking high- profile CEO slots, media jobs, and even a place in the pulpit, at least outside the South itself. In fact, a lot of southern jobs are off limits to those with a hick inflection. I was once turned down for a radio job because of my accent -- in Richmond, Va., no less.

It is also safe to say that many if not most Americans will experience the tightening of certain muscles, plus a sudden shortness of breath, should the pilot of their departing jetliner introduce himself with a Gomerian twang. Even southern politicians on the rise are likely to shed most of their accent, if they ever had one. That ambitious trial lawyer from North Carolina, Jim-Bob Edwards, sounds about as southern as a bagel.

But there is one area of life where a drawl won't hurt you: the military. It might even help. While the West is known for rugged individualists (save for California, which provides wine, women, and tap dancers), the Midwest for solid citizens, and the Northeast for industrialists, intellectuals, and ethnic sham artists, the South is the land of grunts and generals.

None is better known, at least today, than Gen. Tommy Franks, supreme leader of the U.S. Central Command. Gen. Franks, who is know as "Pooh" by his grandkids, was born in Oklahoma but raised in Texas. His pedigree is stellar: After graduating from Robert E. Lee High School in Midlands, Franks slipped into the University of Texas for a short time, then departed for military colleges and the military. The rest is history, and a brilliant history at that. Indeed, it is a point of pride among many sons and daughters of Dixie that under Gen. Franks's direction our forces have turned the region that once hosted the Garden of Eden into a smoldering wasteland. At the same time, we know exactly what retired rear admiral Craig Quigley meant when he said of Gen. Franks: "Anybody who mistakes that slow, Texas drawl for anything other than the sharpest of minds is making an incredibly bad mistake." If you sound southern, you're assumed to be dim at best.

But you might also be taken more seriously when words such as "reddie, ayem, fahr" depart your lips. There's not space to list very many of the great southern warriors, though a few should be noted. In the beginning was George Washington, of Virginia, who happens to be Gen. Franks's number-one hero. Washington and his ragtag army whipped the greatest power of their day (with the help of one of the last decent Frenchmen on earth, Lafayette). They also utilized well-tested southern military strategies, such as firing from ambush.

Then came the War Between the States, which produced such military luminaries as R. E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, J. E. B. Stuart, and the uncommonly ferocious Nathan Bedford Forrest, who is said to have sliced adversaries in half with his mighty sword, perhaps while grinning. Tennessee's Alvin York was the greatest hero of World War I, and the South was also well represented in the second. George Patton, for instance, was a Californian but attended the Virginia Military Institute, class of 1907. George C. Marshall graduated with the VMI class of 1901. The South has also produced dissidents, to be sure, perhaps most prominently Woodrow Wilson, also of Virginia, who got mixed up in the international brotherhood movement. We attribute that to his servile attitude toward the academic world.

Why do southerners so love Mars? One reason is that the echo of war forever sounds in the Southland. You can hardly turn a corner without finding a plaque dedicated to a war hero or battle, or lift a rock without finding a minnie ball. Battlefields are everywhere. The South is like a big military theme park.

Consider my humble neighborhood, which is about 18 miles or so as the cannon ball flies from St. John's Church, where our nation's greatest rabble-rouser, Patrick Henry, gave his "Liberty or Death" speech. Three miles west of my desk is a Confederate graveyard filled with soldiers who were wounded in battle -- and then suffered the fatal calamity of encountering Confederate Medicine. One assumes their discarded arms and legs are scattered through the woods.