Multicultural Manners: New Rules of Etiquette for a Changing Society. - book reviews

National Review, June 3, 1996 by Digby Anderson

IN We Believe, a book that has attracted something of a cult among conservative Catholics, Monsignor Gilbey writes, ''Have you considered that you might not have liked Jesus Christ Our Lord . . . His table manners, His method of conducting an argument, His treatment of His Blessed Mother''? The point, impishly made, is that, as a thorough-going man of His time and place, He used not, I think, the ''manners'' but the etiquette of that time and place. Christ had perfect manners. His etiquette we would have found odd. In The Passion and Death of Our Lord Jesus Christ Archbishop Goodier singles out, from among all the other virtues displayed by Christ during the last week of His Life, His manners, especially his courtesy to the wayward disciples. And figures such as C. S. Lewis and John Henry Newman have showed the relation of manners, morals, and character. Such writers would have been astounded at the notion that manners are some small and trivial thing.

Approach it another way. There is said to be a crisis in our civilization not least in the area of ''law and order.'' Commentators then go on to list the crime rate as evidence and point to public concern. But, I wonder, should the public be more concerned about the burglary a man suffered four years ago or the countless daily ''trivial'' acts of rudeness, harshness, and confusion in the street, the store, and even the home? Is it just a crisis of law or is it a crisis of order as well? For manners --settled, peaceful, predictable, courteous, self-restrained habits -- are a crucial part of social order.

The point is simple but so lost today: individual acts of manners may be little things, but there are lots of them, and together they are a very big thing indeed. They are like a grammar: a nuisance to learn, but once they are learned, our common fluency in them gives us the freedom to interrelate in a predictable, easy, peaceful but individualistic way.

I don't think Norine Dresser understands what manners are about. She announces that she is a folklorist. She has an advanced degree in folklore. Her book is a huge inventory of how different ethnic and religious groups in the United States greet each other, celebrate, worship, eat, keep time, organize sex roles, give presents, dress, bring up children. The idea is that if we know these we can behave toward such people without offense or misunderstanding. The first problem is that she includes so many groups, from Cambodians through Haitians and Armenian Catholics to Gypsies, that each can only have the smallest space. Despite the protestations, perhaps because of them, what emerges is a trivialization of cultures.

Two pages on what goes on in an Orthodox Jewish synagogue is insulting. If a stranger did want to attend, surely he would be prepared to make more of an effort than this -- or none at all. This is cultural tourism, the equivalent of those tours of Europe with ten countries in ten days. And the little we do learn is, of necessity, surface phenomena, behavioral trivia, not the important manners behind them.

Judith Martin does understand manners. She knows for instance that manners contribute as much to social order as law. She knows what manners achieve, the predictability, peacefulness, and order. And she delights in the casuistry of manners, the application of principle to circumstance. Her book is a goldmine. It consists mostly of letters from her ''Gentle Readers,'' and her responses, interspersed with essays. The letters are often amusing. The essays are very shrewd, but the responses are best of all. Miss Manners can be splendidly tough: ''Dear Miss Manners, I am about to get married. [Is] it proper to include in both shower and wedding invitations a suggested gift list? I have most things and don't really need much.''

''Gentle Reader, Well, whatever you do need, make yourself a nice list of it all. Then take it out and buy whatever is on the list. That is what shopping lists are for. . . . They are not sent to other people.''

Another reader writes to ask about applause in church, as when a choir or solo is applauded. Swift and firm is the response. ''Hard as it may be to imagine, musicians in church are supposed to play or sing for the glory of God, not the pleasure of the congregation . . . No applause . . . Not even for small children, who particularly need to have the purpose of their performance explained to them.''

One of the rationales for Miss Dresser's hints is to help Americans say or do the right thing when faced with a different culture. Miss Manners sees things rather differently. A reader feels like an ''Ugly American'' with Japanese friends. For instance she found out that Japanese courtesy requires that a gift be refused three times before acceptance. Comes the reply: ''One need not be ashamed of American behavior which, at its best, is free, generous and dignified. Japanese manners are more elaborate than American . . . but . . . not . . . better. In any case this is not a contest. Your Japanese friends understand there is a cultural difference and should be as interested in understanding our manners [as you theirs]. The manners of the country one is in usually prevail.'' Take that, Miss Dresser, and write it out one hundred times.