The Vice President: Washington - humor

National Review, July 10, 1995

DOCUMENT EXTRACT: TRANSCRIPT 6/12-6/13: OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT

Telephone conversation 09:12 hrs:

VPOTUS: Rusty? Are you there?

(INAUDIBLE)

VPOTUS: Can you hear me? I had the Navy set up this AirLink. Rusty?

(INAUDIBLE)

Transmission ceased 09:13 hrs.

Telephone conversation 09:17 hrs:

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE VOICE: Good morning, American Broadcasting Company.

VPOTUS: Robert Iger, please.

UFV: Whom shall I say is calling.?

VPOTUS: Al Gore.

UFV: And you're with ... ?

VPOTUS: The Federal Government.

UFV: Please hold the line.

(CLICKS. UNIDENTIFIED MUSICAL SELECTION.)

(ELAPSED TIME: 11 MINUTES, 23 SECONDS)

UFV: Go ahead, Mr. Iger.

ROBERT IGER: Newt?

VPOTUS: No, it's Al Gore.

RI: Al Gore? Al Gore? Oh! THAT Al Gore! Well, Mr. Vice President, this is indeed an honor. Hey, if you're calling about the nudity and violence on "NYPD Blue" you're too late -- Bob Dole already called! Ha ha! I'm kidding, of course. We here at the American Broadcasting Company hold the nation's airwaves as a sacred trust.

And how may I help you, sir?

VPOTUS: Well, I'm calling at the behest of the President. We're requesting thirty minutes of network airtime to present our budget plan.

RI: How many minutes?

VPOTUS: Thirty.

RI: Ouch. Mr. Veep, you're killing me! Thirty minutes which day?

VPOTUS: Tuesday.

RI: Tuesday? As in "Roseanne"? As in 33 share?

VPOTUS: Wednesday, then?

RI: Oooh. Double ouch. "Ellen." "Grace Under Fire." 37 share. C'mon. Work with me here. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking Thursday.

VPOTUS: Well, we tried that. NBC refused.

RI: They did? Where's their sense of civic duty?

VPOTUS: Apparently "Seinfeld" and "Friends" are pretty popular.

RI: I know, but by God! We're all Americans, after all. Hmmmm. I'm thinking here. I'm thinking here.

VPOTUS: You know, in the past, it's been traditional for the networks to grant time to the President as a matter of course, without hesitation.

RI: Yeah, and with all due respect: a) in the past, the networks haven't had any competition; and b) let's be totally honest, you folks down there told me to my face that the State of the Union wouldn't go past 45 minutes, and I'm watching the thing go to an hour, then an hour and a half, eating up all of prime time on the East Coast, taking a big chunk out of the West, and you guys are saying to me, "He's wrapping up, he's wrapping up," but hell, I KNOW when a guy's wrapping up and he wasn't even close -- and don't quote me on this, but you didn't get the health care thing anyway, did you?

VPOTUS: You know, CBS gave us the time with no argument.

RI: Of course they did! They're in fourth place! You offered them thirty minutes of free programming. What are they going to say? No? C'mon! They've got "Murder, She Wrote," which skews way, way old, one of those really bad Linda Bloodworth-Thomason shows -- hey, no offense -- and you! If I were them I'd offer you guys a whole series!

VPOTUS: This is unbelievable.

RI: Hey, if your guy just skewed a little younger. Somewhere between boomer and Gen-X. I can sell time for thirty minutes of that.

VPOTUS: Sell time?

RI: Yeah, you know. Commercials? Pay the rent?

VPOTUS: The President of the United States doesn't "break for a commercial."

RI: Yeah yeah yeah. When he needs votes, he'll play the sax and talk about his underwear on MTV, but then suddenly it's all "Mr. President" this and "Dignity of the Office" that. I got news for you: you can't unscramble an egg, you know?

VPOTUS: Look, CBS and CNN and NBC said that they would give us the time.

RI: Okay, okay. You twisted my arm. You win, okay! You win! We'll give you the time.

VPOTUS: Commercial free?

RI: You're killing me! But, okay, commercial free. Now, there's something you can do for me.

VPOTUS: What's that?

RI: Can you get your thirty minutes down to five? I've got a "Circus of the Daytime Drama Stars" special I just can't move.

VPOTUS: I'll see what I can do.

Transmission ceased 09:23 hrs.