The Vice President, Washington - humor - Column

National Review, July 31, 1995

Dear Rusty,

Thank God! We're finally getting the advice we've needed these past three years.

Forgive me if I'm a little fired up---I show my emotions too easily, Dad always says--but I've just come from what was probably the best, most concise, most invigorating political strategy session I've ever attended--and I'm including the ones we held during my "dignified, principled" (NEW REPUBLIC 6/6/86, 7/12/86, 7/19/86, 8/31/86, 9/23/86, 10/10/86 et al. ) 1988 presidential campaign.

R. Morris, Connecticut Strategist, just socked it to us! And how! He's the Administration's new advisor, the one everyone's talking about. I guess he was once some kind of Republican ("We all were, son," Dad said when I told him), but he and Bill and Mrs. William J. Clinton go way back, apparently, so I guess that's not an issue. He's also kind of conservative ("We all were, Al," Bill told me when I voiced some concern) but apparently he's evolved a lot--kind of like Kevin Phillips.

At first I was skeptical--did we really need to hear another Republican crossover? As Tipper put it, "This guy Morris sounds like Dr. Gergen without the press clips," and, typically, she hit the nail on the head. But I'll be honest, Rusty: R. Morris, Connecticut Strategist, is the Rx we've been looking for.

He's different from the others we brought in before. He's different from Carville and Begala. From Grunwald and Gearan. From Ickes, Daley, Nussbaum, and Cutler. From Gergen and Panetta and Coelho. From Thomases and the Thomasons. I'm telling you, he's different.

In the first place, we're not allowed to look directly at him. In meetings, he sits facing away, usually looking out the window. A bright light shines in our eyes, keeping him in shadow. His voice is deep and kind of scary. Put all those together with the fog- making machine, and you have the makings of a very creepy strategy session.

"Propose your own balanced budget!" he intoned during our last meeting. I thought Mrs. W.J.C. was going to lose it right then and there--she's been firmly in the Gephardt/Daschle camp for months: do nothing and wait for the Republicans to hang themselves, which they should do by '96. '97 at the latest. '02 on the outside.

But there she was, squinting into the light, nodding and taking notes, as R. Morris, Connecticut Strategist, boomed on: "Don't balance it in seven years, balance it in ten--split the difference! he boomed. The windows rattled. I could see tourists, ambling along the fortifications of Pennsylvania Avenue, look up at the noise.

I had a question of my own. "But what about Gephardt and Daschle? What about Jesse Jackson and the liberal wing of the party?" "KILL THEM!" came the thundering reply.

I could see Mrs. W.J.C., hunched over her legal pad, underlining the words "KILL THEM."

"Wait a sec," I said. "Kill them? You mean, like, kill them for real?"

R. Morris, Connecticut Strategist, cleared his throat. Through the bright light, I could see him shift in his seat. "Well," he said, "don't KILL them kill them. Kill them politically. Abandon them. Beat 'em up."

Mrs. W.J.C. added "POLITICALLY" in parentheses next to "KILL THEM" on her legal pad.

"You mean pull a Sister Soulja?" Bill asked.

"You have learned well, my son. And now, I tire. Away you must go. To sleep I must." "But Master," Mrs. W.J.C. cried, "we still have so many questions! What about defense spending?"

"Increase it--but only a little."

"And Bosnia?"

"I recommend something along the lines of half measures."

"And capital gains?"

"Find out what they're going to do, and then do something a little bit like it."

"And Bob Dole?"

"Well, this is a little awkward. I'm working for him, too. But you can rest assured that I'm giving him the exact same advice. And now, you leave. It's tiring, this shadow genius business."

And we all shuffled out of the room. The next week, Bill's and my poll numbers were up 8 points, cresting at a 53 per cent approval--our highest ever! Our ten-year balanced budget plan is at least as popular as their seven-year plan. Our tax-cut plan is half as much as theirs; our capital gains reduction plan takes place over six years to their three; we're increasing the defense budget by two hundred billion dollars instead of four; and as far as pornography on the Internet goes, we split that difference too: we don't mind topless, but we draw the line at the waist.

We're learning, Rusty! I just hope it's in time!

Your pal,

Al