The Vice President, Washington

National Review, Oct 13, 1997

Dear Rusty

To be honest, I was awfully surprised to hear that you read The Weekly Standard, much less buy it at the newsstand in Brazil.

And just to clarify, while there were parts of its recent cover article on me that one might be able to call "essentially true, lets be frank: it was a hatchet job, pure and simple. I look forward to the rebuttal in The New Republic. Ive just finished proofreading it and its terrific.

Sorry to sound snippy. My pants are a little tight these days. Ive gained a little weight something Bill calls the "Janet Reno Fifteen. Also, my bald spot is getting bigger. This kind of thing happens to innocent people who suddenly find themselves requiring the services of a media consultant. Tipper calls it the "Jim Carville Hair Treatment.

Worse, I had to hire two lawyers this week, and I snapped at Tipper this morning.

"Al, she said, "Hillary has offered us the use of her image consultant and her shredder.

"Well, thats just great, I said. "Were getting their special-prosecutor hand-me-downs now.

"Al, Im as upset about this as you are. You have no idea how galling it is to get a so-sorry-about-your-legal-troubles call from Hillary Clinton.

"Sorry, Tip, I said. "I guess theyve rubbed off on us. You start shredding documents and Ill start cornering pretty interns in the Xerox room.

She was silent.

"It was a joke, Tipper.

"Well, it wasnt funny, she said.

I stalked off. This is going to be a rough couple of weeks. When Im snippy with Tipper Im going to be snippy with everybody.

In the office that morning, I went over the initial fees from my new lawyers, Jim Neal and George Frampton. The initial consultation is going to cost me $4,500, with an additional $1,500 fee tacked on because I called them both after 2 A.M. (I panicked, I guess, and now Im paying the price.) From then on, after the retainer has been eaten up (thank the Lord for Earth in the Balance!), the price sort of levels off. TV appearances on my behalf are fully billable, though if either Neal or Frampton writes a book about his experiences, or gets his own talk show, I get reimbursed.

All in all, a fair deal, I think.

The good news, of course, is that Im getting it out of the way early. Being investigated these days is pretty much routine. Bill and Hillary are kind of the standardbearers in this respect. Jim Carville explained it to me for $5,200.

According to Jim, its pretty much impossible to be in public life with an unsullied reputation though I think until the last few weeks I was the exception that proves the rule. So better to get all of this . . . sully . . . out of the way before the primaries. Again, according to Jim, that will enable me later to roll my eyes and say something like, "Hasnt this been covered? Isnt this old news?

Jim then explained the Clinton strategy, and outlined how it might work for me, for an additional $12,000.

"Al, he said, "you should either be totally and completely uninvestigated, or have special prosecutors crawlin all over your life, you get me? If youre spotless, great. If youre covered with spots, people just ignore em. But if youre a lily-white slice of angel food, and a big old tarantula crawls on you, people notice pretty fast. Do you get what Im drivin at?

I had to admit that I did. Then the phone rang.

It was Bill, calling from Palo Alto.

"Hey, Bill, whats up?

"Howre you doing, Al? Holding up? Read the piece in The Weekly Standard. Tough break. You know, I suppose at the end of the day, no controlling legal authority didnt quite cut it.

I could practically hear him smiling smugly over the phone. Bill and I are close friends, Rusty, you know that. But this holier-than-thou, sanctimonious s-h-you-know-what really gets on my nerves.

"Im doing all right, Bill, I replied. "But the lawyers are expensive and the press is calling me for statements. This having-your-integrity-questioned business is expensive.

"Tell me about it. Ive lived with it for five years.

"Yeah, but I think Janet Reno is going to appoint a special prosecutor.

"Boo hoo, Al. Ive had three lookin at me. Listen, be grateful for what youve got. The last thing you need are some female-type scandals swirling around, take my word for it.

Suddenly it hit me. "Why the hell shouldnt I? I asked. "Then Id be three for three, right?

"You okay, Al? Youre getting weird.

We hung up.

But seriously, Rusty, what do I have to lose?