Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives

National Review, Oct 13, 1997 by Rich Lowry

Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Cliff Street Books, 320 pp., $24)

Mr. Lowry is NRs national political reporter.

IM the right guy to review this book. Ive practiced "Stupid Chivalry, "Stupid Independence, and "Stupid Boyishness, aspired to but never quite managed "Stupid Sex, and look forward to "Stupid Matrimony and "Stupid Husbanding in preparation for "Stupid Parenting.

It is as an expert, then, that I rate the latest offering from radio personality Laura Schlessinger, a/k/a "Dr. Laura, a joke. Writing books ranks high on the list of stupid things talk-show hosts do to get rich (somewhere ahead of mugs, ties, T-shirts, and newsletters), and so its no surprise that Ten Stupid Things should be a pastiche of recycled on-the-air material.

In fact, its barely readable. To get through all the cliches, indecipherable sentences, wince-inducing banalities, CAPITAL LETTERS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!, youd have to have an insatiable taste for the letters, phone conversations, and poetry of men remarried to alcoholic women with three illegitimate children by three strangers.

Its a taste best left unacquired. But Dr. Schlessingers new book is probably destined for the best-seller lists nonetheless. Its the companion to her best-selling Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives and will as a matter of course be snatched up by some of the 18 million people a week who listen to her syndicated daily radio show.

Dr. Schlessinger is the Rush Limbaugh of radio psychologists. Like Limbaugh, whom she rivals in some markets, she uses language meant to jolt ("slut, "bum, "hussie, etc.). Like Limbaugh, she is politically conservative, although her focus is exclusively on cultural and personal issues. And finally, like Limbaugh, she fills a yawning gap in public discourse.

Dr. Schlessinger, in a radical departure from our reigning therapeutic culture, wants to hear nothing about feelings or victimization. With her callers, shes tough and censorious, brokering no excuses for any abdication of personal responsibility. If you are flipping through the AM dial and hear painful silences punctuated by sobs youre probably listening to a caller on the Dr. Laura show.

It makes for arresting and satisfying listening, a slightly toxic reassertion of values and standards long considered passe. Most of the callers seem to want this treatment, as even the ones reduced to tears are often muttering, "Youre right, to Dr. Laura by the end. Heaven knows, most of them deserve it.

To listen to Dr. Laura or read her books is to get a disturbing picture of the bombed-out zone of emotional devastation in which so many Americans live. Unhappiness may be the human lot, but presumably it was once possible to achieve it without quite so many divorces, step-children, adulterous affairs, out-of-wedlock children, and serial marriages.

It is in this context that Dr. Laura has her value because when she says "stupid things shes not kidding. Take this typical letter in her new book, from listener "Art: "I have been married eight times to five different women. Because of you I finally got it right. You being so direct and to the point is what got my attention. My wife and I both listen to you I am 60 and my wife is 63. This is her fourth marriage. The point I have always missed in all prior marriages was commitment. . . .

The advice Dr. Laura gives is generally sound. For most of the stupid things men do, she blames insecurity or selfishness. So, both "Stupid Chivalry (going out of your way to find a dysfunctional woman) and "Stupid Sex (bedding lots of women, developing relationships with none) are ways for men to avoid rejection.

She is particularly good on marriage, reminding readers that it must be "based on a sense of purpose beyond immediate and personal gratification to succeed. "Since your feelings for the other person may wax and wane . . . your commitment to your marriage vows must override the moment.

Arguably, Dr. Laura is the countrys most influential cultural conservative, routinely staking out brave positions and defending them for an audience of millions. Shes against premarital sex. She hates abortion. Shes brutal on the topic of child care. And she regrets the denigration of male virtues by our feminized culture.

But there is a paradox at the heart of Dr. Lauras popularity. At the same time she is against the culture, she is very much a part of it. After reading a few of the letters in her book many composed by weeping men its hard to think youve escaped that far from Oprah Winfrey after all.

Indeed, Dr. Laura too surfs on the let-it-all-hang-out emotionality of our age (she has cried on the air, confessing her shortcomings just like one of her callers). As a result, she can seem strangely ungrounded. Her proposal to mandate premarital therapy by law, for instance, bears a resemblance to feminist-inspired campus dating codes: a legalistic attempt to recapture a restraint and chivalry long lost.

My guess is that men were best at handling their feelings back in the days when they supposedly didnt deal with them at all, but when all manner of social codes worked to keep them in line as husbands and fathers. That genie, of course, is now out of the bottle, and no talk-show host is going to put it back. Whats a stupid guy to do?