The Vice President, Washington - humor - Column

National Review, Oct 23, 1995

Dear Rusty,

When you moved down to Brazil to do research on the Rain Forest, you asked me to send down newspaper clippings and the odd New York Times bestseller to keep you up-to-date. And I said, Okay, fine, that's what friends do for each other.

So I can't tell you how disappointed and -- well, I'll say it --miffed I was to read your last letter, in which your response to my sending you a copy of Colin Powell's autobiography was, "Hey, that guy is great! Why doesn't he run for President?"

In the first place, he's not great, he's just okay -- though I admit that he's an excellent role model for young African Americans, but then, what's Hazel O'Leary all of a sudden? Chopped liver? And in the second place, it hurts to have to remind you that WE are running for President (well, specifically, President and Vice President -- but the press has very cannily caught on to the Co-President theme) and that we've done a pretty good job so far. But I'll be honest, Rusty -- your letter put me into a funk.

And there's no reason why I should be in a funk. Pete Wilson has dropped out of the race -- a formidable foe, Rusty: any guy that could raise taxes and then promise to cut them, support affirmative action and then condemn it, vote liberal and then shamelessly pander to the right wing, well, that's a guy Bill Clinton respects. But now that he's out of the race, the only contender we really have to fear, besides Lamar!, is Dole. And to be honest, Lamar! is a lot scarier.

I respect General Powell, and have ever since I strongly supported the Gulf War -- others took a different stance; hey, I'm not judging here -- but I think all this brouhaha about "healing America's wounds" and "a leader above the fray" kind of misses the point here. Who is it that re-invented government? Us, that's who. And who is it that passed a blueprint budget that came out of conference with five-year sliding-scale slower-than-expected increased outlays? Us, that's who. And for those skeptics who insist on seeing only the cynical political side to every issue, I have only one word to say: AmeriCorps.

A lot of Administrations would just let the Republican Congress run roughshod over them. But we've stood our ground. Sure we'll cut Medicare, sure we'll cut the budget -- but not by as much as they want us to! Sometimes, Rusty, you just have to make a principled decision and stick to it. And let me tell you, the focus groups really respond to that kind of thing.

That's not to say that there aren't any problems left for us to solve. Far from it. Americans are in a funk, as Bill has aptly observed (not, repeat NOT, to be confused with a malaise, which is much much worse and is caused by inflation and over-zealous Iranian students), but I think that's because they just don't know how great things are right now.

That's why people have gone so nutty for Colin Powell. We just haven't gotten our message across.

I was explaining this to Tipper the other day. "Tipper," I said, "the reason so many people respond to Colin Powell is that we haven't done a good enough job telling them that they don't need to vote for Colin Powell, since we're really Colin Powell."

Tipper looked up from her book. "Could you keep it down, Al?" she asked. "I stood in line for three hours to get this signed. I'd like to have a few hours of quiet to read it." Finally, she snapped the book shut and looked up.

"What do you think, honey?" I asked.

"I think if he runs, we're dead," she said, and then slipped into a deep funk.

"Come on, Tip," I said. "In the first place, he won't run -- he's too liberal. And in the second place, we agree with him on everything -- especially the stuff that we don't agree with him on -- so there's not really much room for him to run against us."

"He could run on the second half of the ticket," she muttered gloomily.

"Come on, Tip," I said. "Bob Dole isn't going to pick Powell. Didn't you read the book? Powell's a fiscal conservative. Dole hates those guys. And I don't think Lamar! is secure enough to pick a guy like Powell. And they say Gramm has his heart set on Randy Weaver. So relax, Tip. Powell is not going to be on the Republican ticket."

"That's not what I'm afraid of, Al. I'm afraid he might end up on the other ticket."

"Perot's?"

"No. The other other ticket."

"Ours?"

Tipper nodded. I thought about this. Bill would never throw me overboard. He's loyal to his friends and he stands up for his principles.

Still, for some reason, I slipped into a deep funk.