A jury of lying weasels - Off the Map - Enron Corp. investigation - Brief Article

Progressive, The, April, 2002 by Will Durst

San Francisco, California, where the restaurants continue to cry because patrons haven't come back. Yet, they're still charging dot com prices in a dot gone economy. In nature, this phenomenon is known as survival of the non-whiniest.

Poor Kenneth Lay. Just this time last year he was riding higher than bacteria on a gnat inside the ear of a giraffe with a hyperactive pituitary. And now the powers that be are starting to pile on like he was a secret member of the Taliban's high command and they discovered his black turban on a shelf in the closet behind the gay porn tapes. All because Enron reportedly put a few employees' retirement in a bit of jeopardy, and Kenny Boy--as our hero President is wont to call him--might have sold a couple of shares of Enron stock while the company was experiencing its minor financial setback.

It turns out there is an extremely logical and reasonable explanation for this "suspicious" behavior. Lay was not trying to ditch his stockholders and employees, but merely trying to raise some quick cash. To put it in the simplest of terms, for the "layman": He used his millions of dollars in Enron stock to repay loans made to him by the company, and then he would take out more loans to repay money he owed on his other investments. That's all. Of course, Lay was concerned about Enron's health; that's why on September 26 he used an online chat to urge employees to buy Enron shares because the stock was "an incredible bargain."

You know what, I think people are just jealous. And indignant. And pissed. And outraged. And bitter. And angry.

Nobody cares what happens to Lay. Who's wringing their hands over the fact that this persecuted American has had to stay liquid by selling three out of the four properties he owns in Aspen? No one. Now this beleaguered ex-CEO has only one place to stay while skiing. How is one supposed to entertain when the help is staying in the same twelve bedroom manse as the guests?

Kansas City, Missouri, where beef is king, pork is queen, chicken is one of those weird omnipresent dukes with ruffles on his cuffs, and seafood is like a distant cousin your mom talked about a couple times but for the life of you, you can't be sure if he's still alive or not.

Rapid-fire comedy. Reading time: one minute, twenty-seven seconds.

* After mounting media criticism, the Pentagon quietly rescinded its program to create a Ministry of Misinformation for propaganda purposes. Besides, after careful reflection, it was considered redundant.

* Some of the Congressmen involved in the Enron inquiry are being very circumspect in their questioning, fearing if they push too hard, Ken Lay will cut off their allowance. At least this thieving, lying weasel is being investigated by a true jury of his peers.

* Marine biologists warn that the world's shark population is being threatened and are calling for a replenishment of the species' natural breeding grounds: law schools.

* Salt Lake City is being congratulated for hosting a spectacular Olympics. The President says he hopes Americans were inspired by this demonstration of discipline, training, and the benefit of healthy lifestyles sponsored by McDonald's, Pepsi, and Budweiser.

* You got to hand it to Chinese athletic officials. To prove they deserve to host the 2008 Olympics, they're trying hard to turn over a sportsmanship leaf. One thing they might want to change is when the final gun goes off, make sure it's not pointed at anybody. No losing competitor wants his family charged seven cents.

* Maybe the fates of Enron, Kmart, and Global Crossing will put a halt to all those politicians saying they want to run the country like a business. Probably not.

* Rush Limbaugh's hearing loss forces him to deal with the most exasperating predicament of his life. A crisis he can't blame on Clinton.

* Love the Tourism Board of the Congo finding the bright side of nationwide volcanic eruptions and subsequent rivers of lava: "All pools now heated."

* Hollywood agents want a new contract with the Screen Actors Guild, but talks have hit a snag while SAG negotiators seek to determine just exactly what it is the agents do.

* The government posted a $25 million reward for the head of Osama bin Laden, which for the Pentagon is what, six hammers and a case of duct tape?

Will Durst doesn't look for trouble; he is trouble.