Tale of the tape: the Washington Monthly measures up the heavyweights in the 2008 presidential campaign

Washington Monthly, Nov, 2007 by Jeff Nussbaum, Eric Schnure, Dan Goor

HILLARY "DONE DEAL" CLINTON

Height: 5'6"

Reach: National

Weight (Wait): Since the health care defeat of 1994

Fighting style: Stays to the center of the ring, hard to pin in corner

In her corner: Bill Clinton, Mark Penn, Patti Solis Doyle, Mandy Grunwald, Howard Wolfson, Harold Ickes, Terry McAuliffe, Tamera Luzzatto, Angelo Dundee, the Republican establishment

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

vs.

BARACK "PROFESSOR PUGILIST" OBAMA

Height: 6'1"

Reach: International, possibly interplanetary

Weight (Wait): Since convention speech of 2004

Fighting style: Above the pettiness of our current boxing world

In his corner: Oprah

RUDY "QAEDA HATA" GIULIANI

Height: 5'10"

Reach: Anywhere Verizon can reach

Marriages: Three, to the discomfort of his Church

Hair: From combover to cue ball

Fighting style: Below the belt (savagely)

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

vs.

MITT "YOU CAN CALL ME MITT" ROMNEY

Height: 6'2"

Reach: Anywhere you want him to reach

Marriages: One, to the discomfort of his Church

Hair: As rich and pliant as the candidate from whom it sprouts

Fighting style: Below the belt (obligingly)

THE UNDERCARD

* What many consider the main event: Jeri vs. Judy

* Bill Richardson vs. Joe Biden in the "We Coulda Been Contenders Bout"

* Mike Huckabee vs. Dennis Kucinich, bantamweight division

Jeff Nussbaum is a principal in the speechwriting and strategy firm West Wing Writers. Eric Schnure is a freelance speechwriter and an adjunct professor at American University. Dan Goor is an Emmy Award-winning writer for Late Night With Conan O'Brien. They write collectively as the Humor Cabinet, and can be reached at comments@humorcabinet.com.