In contempt of courtship: why we love to watch other people date, but hate to do it ourselves

Washington Monthly, June, 2003 by Elizabeth Austin

I can just hear the anguished screams of "That's just game-playing!" And that's exactly correct. Both parties were playing a game--defined in my dictionary as "a way of amusing oneself; a pastime; diversion." The game was called "flirting," and it's what people used to do while they were trying to decide whether they might be able to stand each other's company over the hyperextended road trip that is married life. It's funny: The men who most oppose the idea of "playing games" in courtship are the same ones who can spend endless hours debating the merits of the designated hitter rule. In all forms of human behavior, there are rules. (For instance, we now shake hands upon introduction instead of sniffing each other's sweat glands.) The trouble is, the rules governing courtship today are vexing and often destructive, reducing the stuff of poetry to something akin to emotional dodgeball.

One Rule To Ring Them All

Why is dating today so stressful? The answer is simple: Sex.

I know. That sounds perilously like those counter-feminist conservatives who rail at modern woman for coldheartedly indulging her lustful desires instead of saving her precious flower for the lucky man who will someday lift her bridal veil. But my argument is based not on morality but on sheer utility: The way it's been done lately, Courtship isn't any fun.

That's because there is currently only one broadly accepted rule of courtship: The Third Date is The Date (unless, of course, you're a glued-together-at-the-knees Rules girl.) If either party declines sex on the Third Date, it's a clear sign that the relationship is going nowhere. And if the Third Date culminates in sex, they're officially a couple--or at least, the guy's a real loser if he doesn't ask the girl out again afterwards. (Sex before the Third Date is a signal that a) you believe in love at first sight; b) you're a promiscuous floozy; or c) you think a, he thinks b.)

It's time for all of us to admit that this courtship model simply doesn't work. If lightning doesn't strike by Date Three, you can end up walking away from a perfectly lovely person who might just be a little shy, or having a bad hair day. Or worse, by rushing headlong into a "committed relationship" with someone you've met only a few times, you can end up wasting weeks, months, sometimes even years of your life on someone you don't really like very much, on the grounds that you're already "invested" in the relationship.

The problem is, we can't bring ourselves tO admit that we're going to have to give up the prospect of instant sex--however rarely it actually happens--for a longer period of pre-intercourse courtship. That's understandable--and not just because we all like to think of ourselves as the proud owners of constantly pulsating loins. Given how dreadful dating has become, we hate to think of prolonging the agony as we wait for the only foreseeable good part. (Though from what I hear from my single girlfriends, the sex isn't all that hot, anyway.)

But if we could decide collectively that sex is worth waiting a bit longer for, we'd find that courtship itself might become a lot less stressful and a lot more fun. Right now, those first couple of date are incredibly intense; we give ourselves only six or eight hours of conversation before deciding whether we want to commit to a monogamous sexual relationship. If we had, oh, six or eight--maybe even 10--dates to make up our minds, we could focus more on the actual date and less on its sequel. By investing a few extra hours in the process, we might draw out of a shy person an unexpected vein of sardonic wit or a deep well of political insight. With luck, we'd screen out some of those false charmers who have learned to conceal their meanspiritedness for a week or two. And after the eighth, ninth, or 10th date? Well, let's just say that some things are greatly improved by anticipation.