Meanwhile in America

Nothing like gaining altitude for getting tight with total strangers, and on a 737 out of Phoenix, Stevie and I are bonding fast.

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A $3,500 JOB AND A $10,000 JOB.

MAN, YOU CAN TELL!

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Stevie, a construction contractor, isn't comparing garage-door installations. He's keeping up a running assessment, seasoned by years in LA, on the verisimiltude of the "racks" on various female passengers.

I PREFER 'EM NATURAL.

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We all do, Stevie! We don't want fakes or phonies! Which is my way of leading Stevie toward a subject that's nearer and dearer to my well paying editors at 'The Washington Monthly'--namely the 2004 presidential hopefuls.

Politicians?

Now I've really got Stevie wound up!

BUSH HAS TWO FINE LOOKING DAUGHTERS.

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This is almost my cue to give up on Stevie and turn for political discourse to my other row-mate, a teenager in a serious hard-rock trance, when--

YOU THINK HILARY IS GOING TO RUN?

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I jump at the opening. Apparently not, I tell him. And did you ever vote for her husband?

SURE DID ...

BUT THIS LAST TIME I VOTED FOR BUSH.

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YOU DIDN'T LIKE GORE?

GORE WAS AN IDIOT.

GORE AN IDIOT?

GORE??!!

AND BUSH?

BUSH STOLE THE LAST ELECTION. NOT LETTING THOSE VOTES COUNT? THAT WAS MAFIA STUFF.

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But does that analysis trouble Stevie?

Au contraire!

BUSH KICKED ASS FOR THE PRESIDENCY. HE DID WHAT IT TOOK.

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Ladies and gentlemen, the peanuts have arrived, and let me take this opportunity to come clean ...

I'M NOT ONE OF YOU!

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I'M AN ALIEN!

A FOREIGNER!

(DON'T WORRY. I'VE BEEN THOROUGHLY SECURITY-CHECKED FOR THIS FLIGHT. SHOES OFF! TONGUE OUT! THE WORKS!

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I'm perfectly legal, too. Holding a Green Card since 1975. So why, you ask suspiciously, haven't I applied for citizenship in the Land of the free?

WELL, LAZINESS, Y'KNOW.

AND FRANKLY THERE AREN'T MANY DRAWBACKS TO RESIDING HERE WITHOUT CITIZENSHIP.

EXCEPT I CAN'T VOTE.

BUT I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAY IT NEVER MATTERS WHO'S ELECTED.

GORE OR BUSH?

WHAT'S THE DIFF?

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Now, of course, I'm begging forgiveness from the gods of democracy and praying desperately that Bush gets the boot in 2004.

... PLEASE ... HASN'T HE TAKEN HIS FARCE AS FAR AS IT CAN GO?

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Isn't Stevie troubled, too? What about the war with Iraq?

WELL, THEY BLEW UP THE TWIN TOWERS, BUT WE HAVEN'T FOUND THOSE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

Well, he's half-troubled. (And half wrong, too, but let's skip it.)

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Iraq notwithstanding, Stevie likes how Bush is steering the country. He likes the tax cuts ...

AND I LIKE IT THAT MORE PEOPLE ARE WORKING.

Which proves that Stevie and I have been reading different newspapers, or that one of us has been looking at the same graphs upside-down.

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But he's working, and that's good because his rent is high--more than $1,300 a month. Paying that is worthwhile--

'CAUSE WHEN I STEP OUT OF THE DOOR, I DON'T SEE ANY BLACK PEOPLE.

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My friends, let's all admit that we have latent Ashcroftist fantasies. And one of mine is to throw my pal Stevie into a re-education camp. But that's not how it usually works in the aforementioned Land of the Free. Instead--

I SIMPLY HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR BEING A SMARTER PERSON THAN YOU. *

* In the interest of safety and good health, not actually said in his presence.

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I decided to make amends for my past scoffing at the electoral process and undo whatever damage Stevie is allowed to do in the name of democracy.

THIS UNION SHALL DERIVE THE FULL WEIGHT AND BENEFIT OF MY VOICE.

I HEREBY PLEDGE TO APPLY FOR CITIZENSHIP AND OBTAIN THE FRANCHISE.

In short, I shall cancel out Stevie's vote by casting my own.

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