A brief history of management consultants - humor - Steven R. Covey

Washington Monthly, March, 1998 by Gregg Easterbrook

Galileo: What is it you want from me?

Anthony Robbins: Certainly nothing crass or material or commercial. I want you to realize your true potential by walking across these hot embers.

Galileo: Torture! Are you saying that the Inquisition has resorted to torture! Western civilization stands at the gates of its demise.

Anthony Robbins: Oh, no, management consultants are a far greater threat to Western civilization than any medieval force. But relax, I'm not in business to hurt my client's feet, I am in business to pull the wool over their eyes. With my metaphysical guidance, you will walk the coals unharmed.

Galileo: Why would I want to?

Anthony Robbins: Princess Diana, with whom I was very, very close, and who personally credited me with her self-realization [actual claim by Robbins], once asked me the same thing. "Anthony," she said with her piercing wit, "why would I want to walk across blazing coals barefoot?" And I replied, "Highness, the real question is, why would you want to pay several thousand dollars to walk across blazing coals barefoot." Yet hundreds of corporate managers and government officials do this every year! They do it because it unleashes potential!

Galileo: Their inner potential?

Anthony Robbins: No, you fatuous stargazer, my financial potential! The more people who pay me for this nonsense, the more often I get to fly my Gulfstream to Fiji to lie on the beach with native girls!

Galileo: You really are a genius. I shall cross the coals then, and without fear. (Galileo removes his sandals and walks confidently across the blazing embers. The Swiss guards blanch and turn away; Anthony Robbins pays Navajo flute music on a portable CD. Galileo lets fly a few "Holy Madonnas!" but completes the walk.) I did it! I have unlocked my personal potential! Now nothing frightens me. Cardinal, I refuse to sign! I will die before I renounce the truth.

Special Inquisitor Starr: This is not the result I wish to leak to the media.

Anthony Robbins: Wait, he'll come around. (Fixes an evil gaze on Galileo.) I am now going to read to you from a chapter of Unlimited Power, one of my "books," about how I realized my own charm and charisma ...

Galileo: I recant!

News Item: News and wire reports indicate that corporate and personal training companies are a growth industry, signing numerous contracts with both businesses and government agencies. Career Track, a Colorado company that teaches "critical thinking skills," has staged conferences for the Michigan Department of Civil Service. Global Visions, a California firm specializing in "Real Time Strategic Change," has hosted conferences for major corporations such as Ford and Marriott, and was recently paid about $500,000 by the U.S. Forest Service to stage an employee retreat. Strategic Success Systems, a Baltimore firm, holds self-esteem conferences for schools, firms, and government agencies, and offers clients a chance to meet with its president, Darlene Butler, who holds the title, The First Lady of Positive Talk[TM]. Vision 360, a Florida firm, recently charged the County Commission of West Palm Beach $10,500 for the clerk of the Circuit Court and her aides to attend a three-day retreat at a Vero Beach golf resort. Pat Riley, coach of the Miami Heat, charges $25,000 for a one-hour "success motivation lecture" The Ned Hermann Group, which frequently holds seminars for state and local governments, is now marketing its Hermann Brain Dominance Instrument, which "identifies thinking styles and preferred work elements" Edward de Bono, a management consultant whose success has enabled him to buy a small island in Venice, has advised many corporations, and the government of Singapore, on his theory of "lateral thinking," which is said to unleash creativity and an outpouring of wealth.