Not so-super superintendents - The Jokers Who Run Our Schools

Washington Monthly, Sept, 1990 by Susan Ohanian

"The most important people in this nation today are not politicians or industrialists," Steinbrenner then intones, "they are educators." Applause. Applause. When Steinbrenner adds, "You are the chosen few," they applaud again. They give him a standing ovation.

Immediately following Steinbrenner on the program is the announcement of the Superintendent of the Year. Although the master of ceremonies insists that "the suspense builds" to learn the name of the distinguished winner, hundreds of superintendents jam the aisles trying to get to the exit. Superintendents came to hear Steinbrenner the celebrity, not one of their own. And they don't care that a consultant named Zacharie J. Clemens is a featured speaker.

Clemens starts off his speech by saying "how downright awesome" it feels "to have the opportunity to address the CEOs of America's schools." Boy, do superintendents like being referred to as CEOs.

Clemens tells lots of ethnic jokes and speaks in various dialects to portray uplifting conversations he's had with everyone from superintendents to crippled children in hospital wards. He imitates the pronunciation of a person with a serious speech defect and of a child with severe cerebral palsy. He informs his audience that he knows a lot about difficult students--like Big Brenda, with her 44W bosoms, and another kid with "his fly down and his underpants in his back pocket." Using a high, squeaky, mincing tone, he quotes a first grader: "Sex education--first, you gotta avoid intersections, and second you gotta buy condominiums." Applause. Applause.

Afterwards, members of the AASA audience rush forward to tell Clemens how moved they were by his performance, especially that cerebral palsy kid.

The next general session speaker, Theodore Sizer, author of Horace's Compromise and chairman of the Coalition of Essential Schools, does not pack the celebrity draw of George Steinbrenner or attempt the pull-at-the-heartstrings of Zacharie Clemens. After all, Sizer really is working full-time to fix America's schools. But unfortunately, the convention format takes its toll on him too. He opens with a joke about Wade Boggs's sex life that falls flat. And it doesn't help any that he has a plane to catch. As a result, his presentation is minimal, and he doesn't even stay for the ensuing panel discussion organized around it. All in all, a pretty shoddy appearance--but maybe Sizer was the only one here who gave the AASA meeting the time it was really worth. I figure that, even counting the drive to and from the airport, he must not have been in Orlando for much more than an hour.

Susan Ohanian taught in the public schools for nearly 20 years and is currently writing a book about teaching. Research assistance provided by Mary Clayton Coleman.