The Thank-You Note Is in the Mail

Kiplinger's Personal Finance Magazine, Dec, 1998 by Janet Bodnar

An attitude of gratitude is just what the doctor orders for your kids.

Every year at holiday time, thank-you notes are a big bone of contention in our family. When my three children receive gifts, I make sure they thank the giver in person, or on the phone if it's an out-of-town relative. But my mother and others of her generation expect a written response. I sometimes think they start the clock running as soon as they send the gift, and I hear about it if they don't get a note by New Year's. Aren't they expecting too much?

Dr. T detects in your question the desperation of the harried '90s parent. With so much else on your plate over the holidays, you're looking for reassurance that it's okay to skip the note, especially when a personal thank-you is only a convenient phone call away.

As an often-harried parent herself, Dr. T once would have been inclined to give you that reassurance. But I've changed my mind. Every gift deserves a thank-you in some form, and a written note is the most desirable. It's worth nagging your kids to sit down and write one. Their expenditure of time is small compared with the large amounts of money lavished on them.

Your objective is to make them feel so guilty that they'll eventually remember to send a note on their own--and will one day nag their own children to write to you.

Allowing for the fact that you are already stressed out, however, Dr. T is willing to risk the ire of manners mavens and suggest a few rules of thank-you etiquette that will get the job done as painlessly as possible for you and your kids:

* Thank-you notes should never be generic--they should always include a specific mention of the gift, plus a personal note on how the child liked it, or, if it's money, what he or she plans to do with it. But preprinted cards are acceptable. Giving your kids a nudge makes the job easier for them (and, by extension, for you). A tip of the pen to the Kiplinger's editor who tucks a package of thank-you notes into the Christmas stocking of each of her kids. For young children, go ahead and address the envelopes.

* A computer-generated card is acceptable, as long as it's personally designed, written and signed.

* E-mail is fine, as long as the children do the hunting and pecking. If the gift-giver is computer-savvy enough to have e-mail, he or she will appreciate getting the message.

* It's probably unrealistic to expect that the kids will sit down and write on Christmas afternoon. But do have them get the job done before they go back to school.

And grandparents, don't be miffed if the card is a little late. Assuming your children aren't ingrates, they're probably just running behind. Playing a game of beat-the-clock takes the joy out of both giving and receiving.

"I FEEL DECEIVED"

Over the past five years I have given each of my three granddaughters common stock worth approximately $40,000 at today's prices. Because they were 13 to 17 years of age, I listed their father--my son--as custodian. When I asked the girls, all of whom are now 18 or older, to change their accounts into their names only, I found they had no idea how much they had in their accounts. My son was very evasive when I asked him why the girls hadn't seen their shareholder statements.

Come to find out he has been selling the stock to pay expenses, and their accounts are down to approximately $2,000. I'm sure much of the money went for the girls' education, clothes, transportation and other needs. But he has not offered an explanation or financial report. I would like your opinion of what we could do while keeping the family together. I feel deceived and betrayed by the failure of my son to be honest and forthright.

Your son's behavior may have been illegal as well as deceitful if he used his daughters' assets to pay his own expenses, or to fulfill his legal obligations to his children. In either case they could take legal action against him. But that would hardly keep the family together.

You--and other generous grandparents--might have avoided this situation by not being so trusting, even of a family member. If you had set up a custodial account under the Uniform Transfers to Minors Act (UTMA) or Uniform Gifts to Minors Act (UGMA), you could have named an institution, such as a bank or brokerage firm, as custodian. If there were any question of misuse of funds by a bank employee, for example, "the bank would be responsible," says Lawrence Bugge, the lawyer who chaired the committee that drafted the UTMA legislation.

Since you intended to give substantial gifts to your granddaughters, it would have paid to set up a formal trust agreement. In such a situation, "I generally try to have two people as co-trustees--typically the grandmother, if the grandfather is making the gift, and one parent," says Martin Shenkman, an estate-planning lawyer in New York City and author of The Complete Book of Trusts (John Wiley & Sons). "If two people have to sign off on the trust's tax return, it's a lot harder for one of them to skip off with the money." Shenkman estimates that the cost of setting up trusts for several grandchildren at the same time might average out to a few hundred dollars each.