Dating 101: how to spot a cheater

Jet, July 5, 2004

Think back on all the red flags. The late night calls from his "mother. The guy she swore was "just a friend" who took her on a cruise. The late nights at work, the telephone number mysteriously found in the pocket/purse, the poorly justified alibis--all signs of cheating.

Okay, so you ignored the warning signs, but know that you don't have to be the victim again. School is in session and experts are about to tell you how to spot a cheater.

Carefully observing a person's pattern, says, Michael Baisden, is one way of spotting a cheater. The lack of consistency is always one common denominator, says the author of God's Gift To Women and the national best-seller The Maintenance Man.

"No matter how slick a man or woman think they are, at some point they are going to break their routine in order to get out into the streets," says the former TV talk show host, who also penned Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat. "It could be a lack of consistency emotionally, availability, the way they dress, sudden desire to work out, and the ultimate tell-tell sign, sexual inconsistency. All of a sudden Superman turns into Minute Man!"

The original Kinsey Report, published some 50 years ago, showed that 60 percent of men, compared to 30 percent of women, were unfaithful to their spouses before the age of 40. Subsequent studies have shown that those figures have remained nearly the same.

"Men still lead in the cheating field, but women are catching up fast!" charges Baisden. "It has a lot to do with economics and more women being in the workplace. Now that women are earning more money like men, they are beginning to take on more man-like qualities such as drinking, smoking, cursing and, yes, cheating."

Dr. Myrna Dartson is a licensed psychologist currently in private practice in Dallas. She says that attempting to spot a cheater based solely on physical traits may prove very complicated.

"The characteristics are interpersonal traits," says Dartson, a contributing co-author of the book Hell Hath No Fury. "Specifically, cheaters tend to be selfish, insensitive individuals with a need for self gratification. Outwardly, cheaters are easy to get along with, friendly and very charming."

She adds that cheaters tend to be "dishonest, secretive, unavailable and inconsistent."

Cheating patterns tend to occur very early in most relationships, maintains the adjunct psychology professor at Dallas' Paul Quinn College. Sadly, many choose to ignore the signs, she says, even though cheaters display behavioral characteristics that tend to make significant others suspicious of their loyalty.

She suggests you "follow your instincts" when attempting to spot a cheater.

And, like the cliche, a leopard never changes his spots, Dartson says, "Cheaters are not likely to change overnight. Past behavior is predictive of future behavior."

Watching how a person interacts with others is one way to spot a cheater, says psychologist Dr. Grace Cornish, author of The Band-Aid Bond: How To Uncover the Hidden Causes and Break the Pattern of Unhealthy Loving.

"If someone openly flirts with others when they think you are looking or not looking, that's an early tip-off," says Cornish, a noted relationship therapist who has offered her expert advice on numerous TV talk shows. "Not all flirters cheat, but that's an early giveaway."

Looking into a person's eyes, she adds, can also help you spot a cheater. "The eyes are the windows to the soul. Some people are notorious liars and can look you in the eyes. But the eyes always give you away. Someone can tell you one thing and do something different. Be careful if someone's eyes are darting all over the room."

Cornish says people should watch how people interact with you in regards to others. "If someone is constantly spending time with their 'friend' and never introduces you to that person and introduces you to others as a 'friend,' that's a major tip-off."

Those who constantly accuse you of cheating, says Cornish, may do so because that's what they are guilty of doing.

"If a person is always accusing you of being unfaithful," she explains, "they are trying to make you so self-conscious that you won't look at what they are doing."

A person's telephone etiquette, Cornish says, can also signal a cheater. "When the telephone rings and the person answers in a whisper or turns down the ringer when you're over their house, that's a clue. Or if the person takes the phone into another room. And if they say 'me too,' that's a dead giveaway that someone said 'I love you' and that person is responding."

If a date refuses to give you a home telephone number or home address, she says, that's a big red flag. "A P.O. Box will not substitute," she laughs. "If a person refuses to give you a home telephone number, that's a problem. What are they hiding?"

As a former "player" who admits to having played his share of women, author Tariq Nasheed believes that people in powerful positions, most notably men, are most likely to be spotted as a cheater.

"Some of the most powerful and influential men in our culture are cheaters," says Nasheed, who authored The Art of Mackin' and Play or Be Played: What Every Female Should Know About Men, Dating and Relationships. "With power comes options and men like to utilize their options. Look at a man and see how much power he has in life."