How Much Of Your Personal Life Should You Sacrifice For Your Children?

Jet, Oct 29, 2001

We all want what's best for our children, but how much of yourself should you give up in order to make that happen? How much of your personal life should you sacrifice for your children?

Dr. Michele Owens, a senior psychologist with Prep for Prep in New York City, says that parents sometimes confuse sacrificing with being helpful.

"Parents think that if they sacrifice everything they can that it is helping the development of the youngster," says Dr. Owens. "When you sacrifice too much you give your child a skewed view of the world, a sense that somehow the world is going to rise up to meet every wish and need that they have, which in fact the world is not going to do."

According to Dr. Owens, one of the most talked-about sacrifices among single parents is dating.

"There are a lot of single parents who believe in their right to have a relationship, and they will go forward and have one," states Dr. Owens. "There is a lot of feeling somehow that the parent is responsible for the child's emotional reaction to going out with someone [other than the child's parent] and wanting to manage that. You see that on the part of both men and women."

Nichole Maines, a single mom with joint custody of her 4-year-old son, Joshua, says being a single parent hasn't stopped her from dating, but she admits that she is adamant about not bringing men in and out of her son's life.

"I'm not less likely to date, I just won't bring anyone I'm dating around my son unless I know that it's something serious," says Maines.

The microbiology associate and full-time student from Cincinnati says, "It has a lot to do with my wanting him to respect himself and women. When it comes to children, you have to be particular about how they are influenced."

Dr. Dennis Turner, vice president of medical affairs and medical director of South West Hospital Medical Center in Atlanta, and his wife, Janet, owner of Turner Travel, have been married for over 30 years and are the parents of five daughters. The happy couple say that they have always put their children first and foremost in their lives without any regret.

"It was always the children who came first," says Mrs. Turner of her daughters, Dennise and Donni, 31, Dawn, 28, Dorian, 24, and Deidre, 22.

"We didn't plan for any of them, but they were a surprise blessing," she laughs. "I don't think there is anything more important than raising children. They are the next generation we have to turn the world over to."

Dr. Turner points out that while being a good parent is important, sacrificing your marriage because of the children could be detrimental. It is essential that a couple makes time for each other.

"I think couples need time to themselves, especially when you spend all your time and energy on your kids. You need to break away every once in a while and kind of exhale and work on that relationship between a husband and a wife," he explains.

"We enjoyed going out to movies and dinners. That was our time together," Dr. Turner states. "Occasionally we would go out with other friends, and that was a very good outlet for us to spend some time with someone other than the kids."

Systems administrator Reginald Dancy from New York City is a single father with custody of his 14-year-old son Michael. He believes that being a good parent is critical, but that there should definitely be some balance between being a parent and enjoying your personal life.

"I think all good parents sacrifice for their children," Dancy notes. "Right now parenthood comes first [for me] because it's very important, and you don't get the chance to do it over."

Dancy says that he balances his personal life and his parental life by spending quality time with his son and by doing the things he enjoys most like reading, listening to music and cooking, whenever time permits.

"You have to take some time out for yourself and find some sort of balance. It rejuvenates you and gives you more energy. I think it's essential to being a good parent," says Dancy.

George Williams, executive director of Urban Fathering for the National Center for Fathering located in Kansas City, MO, also agrees that taking time out for yourself is a very vital part of a wholesome relationship with your children.

"When we talk about the demands of life, we need downtime to refresh ourselves, to recharge our batteries," says Williams. "It's critical for your health and for the health of the family.

"It's the same advice we receive when we fly commercially. You put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then you help your child. You're no good to the child if you pass out."

Dr. Owens points out that finding balance is the key for a parent to be able to benefit from both worlds of parenting and personal life.

"I think there are times in your life where you have to think of yourself and you have to put yourself first," stresses Dr. Owens. "In the case of parenting, if you take care of yourself first, with the understanding that the children are a priority, everything that you do for your children will come from a better place. If you get enough rest, if you have enough social contact, if you're content in your work, if you have some time for yourself, everything you give to your child is going to be premium stuff."