The single dad: tackling fatherhood on his own

Jet, June 21, 2004 by Marti Yarbrough

He pays the bills, cooks, cleans, helps out with the homework and he even changes diapers. These roles are played out by many dads across the country every day, quashing the stereotypes of the absentee father by taking on the responsibility of raising their children without a mother figure in the house.

In honor of Father's Day JET spoke with a few single dads about the joys and pains of fatherhood and tackling the parenting role solo.

Trey Ellis, 41, is a single father who has been divorced for two years. Although he shares custody with his ex-wife, the children, daughter Ava, 6, and son Chet, 3 (who sometimes refers to Ellis as "Mommy-daddy"), live with him in Los Angeles.

Ellis, author of the novel Platitudes and screenwriter of the Emmy-nominated movies Tuskegee Airmen and Good Fences, took over the responsibility of caring for the kids.

As a writer, Ellis admits that working from home can be a bit challenging when the children are in the house. But he says that one of the best things about being a single dad is hoarding the special moments with the kids all to himself.

"The three of us spend 'adventure time' together in the park or at the beach on Sundays," says Ellis. "But it's when I check on them at night to pull the covers up and watch them sleep that's the most special."

The number of single dads, like Ellis, have gradually been on the rise for the last 20 years, says George R. Williams, executive director of the Urban Father-Child Project of the National Center for Fathering in Kansas City, MO.

According to Williams, the U.S. Census Bureau reports that from 1980 to 2001 there was a significant jump in the number of children being raised by their fathers. During that time the number of children being reared by single Black mothers had increased 135 percent compared to a 308 percent increase of children being brought up by single Black fathers.

"Men are deciding to raise their children on their own because a growing number of fathers are not measuring their personal worth by the level of income from their jobs, but by love and the positive outcome of their children," says Williams.

"These fathers understand the importance of their role as fathers and the power of influence they have on the lives of their children."

Being a single dad was something that altered the life of Otis Williams for the better. The Chicago middleschool teacher has had custody of his 13-year-old son Glenn since he was 2.

"Before my son was born I had no real concrete objectives or goals," says Williams. "Knowing that I would be responsible for the life of someone else helped put me on track and allowed me to take things more seriously a little sooner."

Williams, 36, says that he and his son have their difficult moments, but he finds parenting to be rewarding when there is evidence that the words of wisdom that he bestows upon Glenn aren't being said in vain.

"One of the most gratifying things about being a dad is knowing that something I said to my son actually sunk in, and he realizes that I was giving him advice for his own good and not just to be difficult."

Raising a 6-year-old daughter alone can be a challenge, but it's one that Jermail Shelton is up for.

Shelton, 25, has had full custody of daughter Janiyah for the last year and a half. After years of shared custody with the mother both parents agreed that Shelton would care for Janiyah.

"Fatherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me," says Shelton. "Knowing that what I'm doing is not the norm when it comes to a 'man's role' in society is gratifying. I'm that Mr. Mom people see on TV and in the movies."

The Stone Mountain, GA, real estate agent says that he looks forward to the future and seeing what kind of a woman his daughter becomes.

"Whenever someone puts a lot of time, hard work and energy into something, you always want to see the finished product.

"If Janiyah and I can maintain this father-daughter friendship we have now, we will be alright."