When to keep a secret and when to tell

Jet, Dec 22, 2003 by Margena A. Christian

There's one thing that people like--good secret. Whether it's yours or someone else's, secrets aren't easy to divulge and sometimes even harder for some people to keep to themselves.

Tough as it may be, it is possible to learn when to keep a secret and when to tell.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a secret as "something kept hidden or unexplained." It's also defined as "something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few."

Licensed psychologist Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad of Atlanta says that there are bad secrets and good secrets. Bad secrets should be told; good secrets can be kept to self.

"A bad secret people keep for selfish reasons," he begins. "There are issues in some families and churches that are kept a secret and not discussed. People don't say anything because they think it will tear something apart, but in some instances telling a secret that affects so many other people's lives could help more in the long run than harm. You have to realize that in order to heal with generations to come, you've got to start now with truth."

A good secret brings private joy, says Muhammad, who is also a psychology professor at Clark Atlanta University. "If you have a crush on someone, you may not want to tell that person. If you reveal the secret and it doesn't work to your advantage, the joy is now gone. Some secrets you want to keep in your heart because they make you happy."

A secret should be revealed, Muhammad says, when you feel that you or someone you love will be affected by net telling the secret.

"Trust is an important ingredient," he says. "Usually a secret stays with someone through death. So if a person reveals a secret, that's his or her way of saying I trust you with my life."

People should always define a secret before it is revealed, Muhammad believes. "Define the secret by prefacing it as important and not to be shared with others. Then, give its affects if revealed."

An individual's interpretation of secrets, he states, usually determines how well the news is guarded.

"Some people love to gossip. Those people have not been conditioned to keep a secret. Keeping a secret requires the ability to listen and the ability to hold something that has been given to you."

He suggests that you never reveal a secret "out of anger, out of spite or revenge, when you're only doing it in your best interest and not worried about its affect on others, or when you're sworn to secrecy and you want to honor your word if the secret doesn't prove harmful to another."

Dr. Myrna Dartson, a licensed psychologist in private practice in Dallas, says that knowing when to tell a secret depends on the secret.

"If a secret is going to compromise the integrity of the friendship, you should not withhold information," explains Dartson, an adjunct professor of psychology at Paul Quinn College in Dallas. "For instance, if you are dating someone and you're still married or if you have something like a sexually transmitted disease, you need to reveal this. You want to disclose this information because it can destroy a friendship or a relationship because trust has been violated."

Knowing whom to tell a secret to depends on the relationship between the parties involved.

"People tend to confide in those with whom they feel comfortable and know well. You divulge information with those who will hold thoughts without misgiving," she says. "Those who gossip or tell other people's business without any reservation are a good indication that they will be quick to tell a secret."

Some might confuse a secret with being private, says Dartson, but there is a difference.

"Being private is more consistently with a personality trait for need of personal space," she says. "A secret involves knowledge of a personal experience. When something is private, you're not wanting to share it. It's just a personal choice about your lifestyle or personality."

Research has shown that the top three personal secrets people tend to keep relate to sexual matters, mental health and failure. Dartson doesn't find this alarming.

"These are very personal issues for some people because people tend to judge you," she says. "If there is some emotional instability or you've failed in some area of life, some people will judge you based on those things. That only contributes to a person's own lack of self-esteem. Others may not like to discuss these areas because they are just purely embarrassed."

There is a simple rule of thumb to remember when it comes to secrets, according to Dartson.

"If you want a secret to remain a secret, keep it to yourself," she says. "If someone tells you something in confidence, assume that it's not meant to be shared with others. Consider a person's personality and moral character before sharing information. You have to consider this when deciding to share with others."

Trust plays a huge role in whether a person chooses to keep a secret or reveal it, says Dr. Lauren Durant, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Durham, NC.

"It's not easy to tell a secret," Durant says. "You wouldn't tell something that if found out by another you would be devastated. It starts with small disclosures. Over time, when that person is able to keep that disclosure to self, you build on that. You can alert the person that it's private and that you would not like it revealed. If the person is able to keep it a secret, that qualifies as a confidant for you."