Will Love Last Longer If You Are Friends First?

Jet, Nov 29, 1999

There's never an easy way to guarantee how long love will last in a relationship. Many people, however, believe that if you are friends first, the chances that love will last longer is greater.

But, is that necessarily true? Will love last longer if you are friends first?

"Definitely," reveals New York social psychologist Dr. Grace Cornish. "As friends first, you like each other first. You develop a respect for each other. You're looking out for each other's best interests. I urge people--marry your best friend."

Dr. Cornish, author of the book 10 Bad Choices That Ruin Black Women's Lives, says that love, kindness and respect equal friendship.

"You're always kind to your friend. You're looking for your friend to get ahead by looking out for his best interest. In a friendship you're equally grounded. You're not looking for any kind of ownership. There's no respect if you become possessive and controlling."

Friendship is especially important for love to last longer when it comes to marriage, tells Dr. Cornish.

"Marriage takes place long before the wedding. The wedding is the celebration, but the marriage and initial bonding should have started long before," explains Dr. Cornish.

She continues, "If you have a genuine friendship, you're not going to pretend to be someone you're not so a person can marry you. Some people are on their best behavior until they cross the threshold. Then, they let their guards down. But your true nature will surface when you're a person's friend first. When you're true friends from the beginning, you don't have to pretend."

The husband and wife team of clinical psychologists Dr. Derek S. Hopson and Dr. Darlene Powell Hopson concur that love will last longer if you're friends first.

The Connecticut-based psychologists, who authored the book Friends, Lovers, and Soul Mates: A Guide To Better Relationships Between Black Men And Women, were friends for two years before their relationship blossomed into romance. Today, after 15 years of marriage, their love is still going strong.

"A friend is someone you can trust. It's someone you can be vulnerable with. It's someone you can be open and honest with and that person will be the same with you," Dr. Darlene Powell Hopson points out.

Adds Dr. Derek S. Hopson, "A friend you can tell anything and it won't be the world's business. It'll be kept in confidence. A friend also won't allow others to downgrade you when you aren't present. Sometimes people forget that you shouldn't let private discussions become public."

Dr. Darlene Powell Hopson contends that though they've been married for more than a decade, she and her husband continue to work on their friendship.

"At least once a month, we're checking in about how we're feeling. We're talking about how we can enhance our friendship," she says. "In a friendship there is respect and communication. It's about being able to love each other as human beings who have flaws and weaknesses. It's demonstrating unconditional love. It's all right to say, `I don't like you but I still love you.'"

Concludes Dr. Derek S. Hopson, "On a spiritual level, it's about valuing and respecting the gift God has provided for you. You've been given the opportunity to have a relationship with someone. When you seek a gift from God, that's a blessing. You want to take and nurture that blessing. That's what being friends is about."

While many experts believe that love will last longer if you're friends first, Dr. Aaron Stills, chairman of the department of human development and psychoeducational studies at Howard University, does not agree.

"Naturally in any relationship in order to establish the foundation of the relationship, you have to start out as friends. But that's no guarantee that the friendship nor the marriage will last," resolves Dr. Stills.

The associate professor of counseling psychology at Howard University maintains that when people move from friends to lovers, the dynamics of the relationship usually change for the worse. In most instances, the love dissolves even faster.

"The expectations that one has for a friend are different than when you get married. It's a paradox. You would think if you're friends, it would make for a long-lasting marital relationship," cites Dr. Stills. "But, that's not necessarily true mainly because the expectations change once people get married or take the friendship to a romantic level."

The reason for the changes, concedes Dr. Stills, is that responsibilities, in the eyesight of many, differ for friends than lovers.

"As friends there is a different kind of commitment. As friends you can walk away when you want to, but within a marital relationship, you're bound. There are certain boundaries you have to adhere to."

Dr. Stills suggests that people work on building a "solid friendship" before they move forward in a relationship.

"Continue to do the same kinds of activities that you did as friends. Do this frequently," he asserts. "When you run into difficulties, seek counseling to quickly resolve the issues ... You've got to establish the friendship before taking the leap. It's hard enough to have a love relationship with a friend. Imagine what it would be like if you don't know the person first."