How to cope with the loss of a loved one

Jet, July 14, 2003 by Margena A. Christian

The death of a loved one is devastating. Unfortunately, there's no way to avoid mortality, and coping with the loss can be extremely difficult.

No two people grieve the same because grieving is a personal journey. How that journey is handled, how one copes with the loss of a beloved family member or friend, can't be clearly defined, but there are ways to learn how to cope.

The Rev. Dr. Arlene Churn, an ordained Baptist minister and certified grief counsel specialist who resides in Philadelphia, says that one way to cope with death is by accepting that life and death are a part of life.

"Death is something coming to all of us," says Churn, who authored The End Is Just The Beginning: Lessons In Grieving For African Americans. "It's the equalizer no matter if you're rich, poor, old or young. We must accept this as a part of life and anticipate our own death and the death of loved ones. You must celebrate life on a daily basis because tomorrow isn't promised."

Rev. Dr. Churn believes that the death of a loved one isn't the end, it's really only the beginning.

'The end of life, as we know it, should be and is the beginning of your life without that person," she explains. "It won't be the same, but it will still be life. You must make the adjustment without the physical presence of that loved one on a regular basis."

Many mask their pain by denying the death of a loved one, she notes. But she maintains that you must program yourself to learn acceptance in order to move forward.

"The deceased was part of your life, but not your total life. You must recognize that that person was a part of your life and enhanced your life, but we have our own life. We can keep a connection with our loved ones with lessons and the way they impacted our lives. We can let their lessons of love sustain us during the balance of our lives. You may never get over the death, but you can get through it."

There is no one correct way to grieve, says Dr. Ronald K. Barrett, a professor of psychology who specializes in death, dying and bereavement, at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles.

"There is no time limit on grief. The process of grieving takes time," says Dr. Barrett. "It can sometimes take years, depending upon the attachment and bonding. It's a very individual thing. We must accept that and be patient with ourselves."

Learning to cope with death, he continues, must not be confused with getting over a death. "Getting over a loss is not the way that it is. You learn to live with it and accept it. You will continue to deal with it and mourn. Often the process is one of acceptance."

Dr. Barrett warns that when a person becomes "stuck in grief," usually that's a sign that he or she may need to get professional help from a grief counselor or a grief specialist. He suggests contacting the Association For Death Education and Counseling, headquartered in Hartford, CT, which offers a referral source of therapists throughout the United States.

"We live in a 'death-denying' culture," he explains. "We don't want to talk about it or be reminded of it. We've forgotten how to grieve. It's a natural process that has been done since the beginning of time. It's okay to seek help from therapists and specialists."

Signs to be aware of when a person may be "stuck in grief," according to Barrett's research, include: prolonged, intense grief after several years as if the person just died and the creation of shrines.

"It's normal to hold on to things after a person has died, but when it's years down the road, that's not a good sign," he says. "Has the person really accepted the reality of the loss? The person isn't coming back. This type of sign shows that a person may be having difficulty dealing with the reality and the permanence."

Marrice Coverson, pastor of the Church of the Spirit in Chicago, believes that the greatest means of coping with the loss of a loved one is by tapping into one's own faith.

"You feel like the world has been taken away from you," says Coverson. "Without faith, it would be difficult to cope. Understanding for me is that there is life after death. That person may not be with you physically, but that person will be with you spiritually. That presence is there."

When Coverson's 22-year-old son, Ronald Coverson Jr., was killed in 2001, she leaned on her faith and delivered her only child's eulogy.

"It wasn't about me any longer. It was about my child," she says, reflecting upon the funeral. "As a person I put my emotions back. It was difficult. My baby meant more to me than anybody else in this world. Nobody knew him like I knew him. I wanted his life to be reflected as it should be and as I wanted it to be. I didn't want someone eulogizing him who didn't know him. This is the least I can do for him. Of course he was watching me every step of the way."

Coverson, who also is the president/ CEO of the Institute For Positive Living (Open Book) in Chicago, says that having a community of friends also helps a person to cope with loss.

"For months I was never alone. That was good for me. My friends took over. This was vital. Getting through the initial phase is having friends and people who care ... After the funeral, everyone goes home. Then you're left alone. I still have people in my presence and some of his friends. That has made it easier. They are all there."